American Airlines downsizing fleet, upsizing fear

As American Airlines canceled more than 1,000 flights this week to inspect wiring on its jets, the company made good on its pledge to disrupt passengers' schedules as little as possible by contracting with thousands of owners of single-engine planes and crop-dusters to pick up the slack.

An American Airlines spokesman said that the substitute fleet will carry fewer people at a time, however, more planes will be in the air to deliver passengers to their destinations "within a week or two of their original arrival dates, hopefully."

The spokesman said that the public shouldn't worry when the skies become dark from so many more planes in the air. Sunlight is over-rated, he said.

"We know the airways are already congested, but smaller planes have more maneuverability and shouldn't hit one another, unless, of course, two pilots play 'chicken,' then we've got a problem," said AA official Ronald Tuffts. "But -- and I can't emphasize this enough -- it'll be a small problem, given the size of the planes involved."

One AA vice-president said that passengers would get more one-on-one attention on the smaller planes, something, he regrets, that the jumbo jets lack, no matter what their ad campaigns say.

"But if you're one of those lunatics who obsesses about legroom, in-flight food, restrooms and safety, well, maybe you should look into another form of transportation," Tuffts said. "It seems there won't be any pleasing the likes of you under any circumstances."

Tuffts said the planes will fly closer to the ground, making sight-seeing better and crash landings less traumatic, since the aircraft will not plummet from the sky from 30,000 feet or more, the height at which bigger body planes typically cruise, and trapping passengers in their personal hell for what seems like an eternity of screaming, imagining their fate, and/or wishing they'd gotten rid of their porn stash.

"We're bringing back tree-top flying," an AA source said. "At long last, when you leave a loved one at the airport, you'll be able to see the tears rolling down their cheeks for a good long while. These are true Hallmark moments."

AA said it anticipated a pilot shortfall with the additional flights and hired eager Saudi Arabian, Iranian and Iraqis to cope with the situation. Tuffts said that some of those pilots possessed merely flight-simulator experience from Minnesota and Florida training facilities, but that "should be adequate for smaller planes on shorter routes."

If AA incurs any pilot problems, Tuffts said the carrier would "reluctantly resort" to using teen-age video gamers who have logged at least 100 hours of joy-stick experience.

"We expect some backups and flier complaints, but that's nothing new," an AA insider said. "We've turned a deaf ear to that shit many moons ago."

Big Oil to drill between sofa cushions

As Big Oil representatives were being grilled on Capitol Hill about their massive profits of $40 billion last year, the spokesmen successfully turned the microscope on consumers, saying that Joe Average has way too much disposable income and the companies want their rightful share, plus gratuity.

Big Oil said it knows that there are several pennies, a nickel and two quarters between families' sofa cushions and "would you please kindly send it to them as soon as possible," a spokesman said.

If everyone did that, Big Oil could rake in even more billions to continue its no-end-in-sight research for making combustible, fossil fuels more efficient and exploring government-protected animal sanctuaries and pristine land masses for untapped oilfields. If any money is left over, the companies promised to use it on feel-good ad campaigns that let consumers know how tough it is being Big Oil, and awash in all that money.

"All those nickels and dimes add up to big money if everyone will just get off his high horse and do this for us," a Big Oil insider said. "Do you want to travel? Do you want a warm home? Do you want petroleum jelly? Then send us that loose change because it's obvious you're not using it. Just dig your hand into the nether region between the cushions, suppress your gag reflex for a minute when you touch a snotty Kleenex and pull out those meager riches that you haven't missed for what, like two years?

"Make out a check or money order to us. But, hey, while you're up, why not just round it off to $20. Everybody's got a twenty lying around. We know you spend $20 on baby shower gifts, graduation gifts and gag gifts for people you barely know. Give Big Oil that money and it'll go to work for you. Trust us, it's not going to end up in a garage sale like those stupid gifts you bought.

"That way, we don't have to touch our profits. Because if we have to dip into our profits, we're going to get very, very angry. And who will we take it out on? That's right. You. It'll mean higher prices at the fuel pumps. And from what we're hearing, no one wants that. So c'mon, do your part and chip in. We're your friends."

On their way out of the hearings, Big Oil representatives handed out leaflets reading, "Big Oil: Coming soon to one of those damn rain forests near you."

Coach K refuses to lose

Duke University continued its quest for a fourth men's basketball national championship by advancing to the Final Four after getting crushed by UCLA 189-16 on Saturday. Duke will represent the West Region.

"The season isn't over until I say it's over," an adamant Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski said.

Duke's incredible postseason journey began when it defeated Belmont 71-70 in the NCAA Tournament opener, then fell to West Virginia 73-67, but Coach K was dissatisfied with that outcome and told the NCAA he wanted a do-over.

The NCAA rubber-stamped Krzyzewski's demand for a rematch. This time, though, it was to be played at Cameron Indoor Stadium, the Blue Devils' homecourt, at a time and date picked by the Duke coach. When an outraged and disbelieving West Virginia team didn't show up, Krzyzewski declared a forfeit, eliminating the Mountaineers from the tournament.

"The impertinence of some teams," Coach K said. "They're lucky I wanted a do-over in the first place. I could've disqualified them right after the game because I didn't like the way they celebrated.

"You know, not once did they genuflect in our direction and ask for our blessing."

Duke traveled to Phoenix for the next round last Thursday and was not immediately allowed to enter the US Airways Center by security, which had been expecting WVU. After a huffy Krzyzewski placed a couple of phone calls, NCAA president Myles Brand informed tournament officials that Duke would play Xavier.

A stunned basketball world watched as Xavier trounced Duke 137-5, only to see the Blue Devils advance to Saturday's game with UCLA.

"I thought the winner advanced," said dumbfounded Xavier coach James Whitford, who was yanked away from media members by NCAA officials.

Brand broke the bad news to Whitford and his team when an intern handed the coach a note that read, "The NCAA realizes that while you appeared to win the game on the scoreboard, you lost in the game of life. I regret to inform you that it is Duke's wish to keep on playing. Congratulations on a wonderful season. See you next year. Oh, and don't forget to patronize our NCAA corporate sponsors."

UCLA was horrified to learn after shredding Duke on Saturday that its ticket had not been punched for San Antonio, the site of the Final Four.

"What the hell's going on here?" an incredulous UCLA coach Ben Howland said before an NCAA-administered sedative took effect.

The college basketball world was stunned at the unprecedented turn of events, but threw up its hands in a "whadya-gonna-do" reaction. A bevy of Duke-grad sportscasters -- Jay Bilas, Mike Gminski, Jim Spanarkel and Seth Davis -- and Duke ass-kissers -- Dick Vitale, Billy Packer and Mike Patrick -- mentally waterboarded viewers with reasons that the Durham school was, indeed, the more-deserving team to advance.

Krzyzewski said he would not allow the season to end until he was certain an opponent beat Duke when the Blue Devils played to their potential, were sufficiently motivated by the Cameron Crazies' aren't-we-smart cheers, and got all the referees' calls.

"Anything short of that and I cannot, in good conscience, permit another team to advance," Coach K said. "Right now, I'm not convinced other teams are better than we are. Most are not even worthy to cast their eyes upon us, much less touch the hem of our garments."

Several NCAA officials said the matter was out of their hands, and even Brand was only doing what he was told to do by "sinister" forces inside ESPN and CBS, both Scientology-like cults smitten by The Duke Way.

"What's good for Duke is good for the country," one CBS exec said. "Duke is America's Team and Krzyzewski is America's Coach. What they say goes."

Meanwhile, the NCAA gave the OK to print banners, T-shirts and caps emblazoned with Duke as the national champion, in the event that no team impresses Coach K as much as his own.

"It's our title to lose," he said.

Dookies ask for, get do-over

Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski asked for and was granted a do-over by the NCAA after West Virginia defeated the Blue Devils 73-67 in the second round of the NCAA Tournament on Saturday.

The game has been rescheduled for Monday at Cameron Indoor Stadium at a time Krzyzewski will determine.

Coach K said his squad didn’t have enough time to prepare for West Virginia after Duke’s narrow win over Belmont in Thursday’s first round. He said the squad thought it got its one bad game out of its system against unknown Belmont, and told the Blue Devils to spend their off-day on Friday with a stripper or two.

But after losing to West Virginia, Krzyzewski decided the team wasn’t as prepared as it should’ve been and notified the NCAA. The NCAA huddled for about two minutes and rubber-stamped Krzyzewski’s request.

It said that Duke deserved another chance because the team was dealt a bad hand by the tournament’s selection committee when it sent the Blue Devils out of state for the first two rounds. Normally, Duke doesn’t have to play an early NCAA Tournament game more than 60 miles away from home.

The NCAA said sending Duke 256 miles up the road to Washington, D.C., was an oversight.

“We have to make the situation right,” an NCAA representative said. “After looking at all the facts, we believe replaying the game in Durham is only fair.

"I hope Duke forgives us.”

“Maybe you’ve heard of us,” Krzyzewski said during his press conference after the loss. “We play in the ACC, and we usually don’t have to face such lousy competition, but that’s what happens in the NCAAs. They’ll let teams like Belmont and West Virginia in.

“It’s so beneath us to have to play them, but the NCAA manned-up and rescheduled the game.”

Krzyzewski said he also was distressed at the number of fouls called in Saturday’s contest. WVU had 25 and was in early foul trouble. Duke had 23, several of which were called late in the game when the Blue Devils had to foul.

“It’s not like we’re playing eight against five, you know,” Krzyzewski said. “Our five plus two refs should be enough. All we ask is that the third ref be neutral.

“But the way they called the game today, I think there was some collusion. I saw at least 75 West Virginia fouls and, I’ll have to look at the film, but I don’t recall my guys committing one, even when I told them to foul.”

Krzyzewski said he usually meets with the referees before the game to determine how many fouls he wants called, but got a bad vibe from this officiating crew.

“I could tell they were going to call it our way, just not enough to really stick it to (WVU coach) Bob Huggins,” Coach K said. “I mean, my record is impeccable, and Bob’s record is, uh, well, let’s be kind and say Bob’s got some baggage.

“All I want to know is why didn’t we get more free throws when it was obvious our 3-point shooting was off? I smell a rat.”

Duke shot 32 foul shots to WVU's 22.

The NCAA said it’s embarrassed about the situation and promised never to send Duke out of state for the postseason again. An NCAA insider said the organization is considering legislation that will give Duke opponents two fouls on every one of its players to start the game, plus they must play wearing blindfolds.

“That should even things up a little,” Coach K said.

Clinton gets down and dirty

Hillary Clinton didn't want to have to go to Evansville, Indiana.

The Democratic presidential hopeful said she prayed she'd have enough of her party's delegates wrapped up by March 20 to guarantee her nomination, rather than having to visit "southern Indiana pig farmers, smile, shake their grimy hands, and act like I cared about them."

Clinton insiders said the former First Lady dreaded going to Evansville because it signaled her campaign was in deep trouble.

"Evansville's just the start," one campaign worker said. "I mean, Hillary is going to have to start sucking up to one voter at a time, which, for the life of her, she didn't want to do, despite what her fake smile tricks you into believing.

"The bad part is, there will be an endless stream of Evansvilles in the coming weeks."

Evansville was swept up in Hillary Fever this week as elementary school children hand-painted signs that read, "Create better jobs in other cities so our parents can get us the hell out of Evansville NOW!" and "We like your lies, not Obama's," also, "If you're elected, will we all have to wear pantsuits during your term?"

Meanwhile, the Masturbators Club of Southern Indiana grudgingly endorsed Ms. Clinton, saying it didn't have much choice since there weren't any other women candidates, although if she was pitted against Ms. Obama, Ms. Clinton "wouldn't carry a single precinct."

One club member suggested that Ms. Clinton at least show some leg or wear a tight, white blouse so his fellow self-abusers could get a little more excited about her. Giles Robertson, the club's past president, said that if Ms. Clinton was caught in a lesbian relationship with somebody hot, his organization would throw enthusiastic support her way.

Ms. Clinton said she's at the point in her campaign that she'll take MCoSI's suggestions under advisement. Also, she might allow Robertson to grope her if he'll assure her that he can deliver southern Indiana's lone super-delegate, who, coincidentally, is also a club member.

"Now do you see what I mean about Evansville?" she said to an aide. "It's a sign of things to come."

CIA breaks up Al Qaeda crew, project delayed

Al Qaeda has gotten too careless in its choice of projects and planning recently, which may account for the lack of terrorist activity here, the CIA reported on Wednesday.

Nothing illustrated that point better than when the once-feared terrorist network showed up at the Brooklyn Bridge this week with a 40-man work crew and six pieces of heavy earth-moving equipment to tear down New York City's famed connector between Brooklyn and lower Manhattan, only to be turned away on a technicality.

"They put up orange cones and 'Men at work' signs, the whole shebang," a CIA operative said. "But what tipped us off was that the men actually looked busy, not standing around collecting a paycheck, like you usually see in the city."

New Yorkers couldn't believe Al Qaeda's brazen return to these shores, despite tight security measures, eagle-eye law enforcement and a citizenry that gets huffy at any traffic delay. The CIA chided the organization as getting too big for its sarwals. The words "Al Qaeda" and its logo, splashed across the sides of the bulldozers and dump trucks, appeared to be hastily painted over to avoid detection.

By mid-morning, one police cruiser showed up and asked the crew's foreman for his work permits.

"All their paperwork was in order, but they hadn't kicked back money to the proper agencies like they were supposed to," the cop said. "I followed procedure and called for backup, and we worked with their flagmen to divert traffic until we sent them all home."

Thanks to a weak-kneed, left-leaning Democratic Congress, law enforcement's power has been gutted, leaving police with only the authority to break up the project. They could not arrest anyone, nor confiscate the heavy equipment or explosives. Al Qaeda was issued a citation, which is accompanied by a small fine.

The bridge dismantling is slated to continue once all the politicians are paid off.

The cop said the workers, all wearing snazzy Al Qaeda-issue overalls and protective gear, were displeased with the project, calling it "not aggressive or covert enough."

A couple of Iraqi men on the crew complained that the work was hard, and far from the "glorious mission" they signed up for at the Baghdad recruiting office.

"I thought I was going to blow myself up in one swift, painless moment," one Iraqi said. "For the record, this is bullshit. It looks like a two-year job, minimum."

The other Iraqi said, "We were misled. The cell leader said we'd get double-suicide points for this mission. Who wouldn't be enticed? That rockets you to the platinum-card membership level.

"Then I get here and they hand me a hard hat and pick-ax, and tell me to get busy. This one smartass crew chief said, 'There aren't any virgins in heaven waiting for slouches like you.' I mean, why the abuse?"

The CIA announced that while it enjoyed taking Al Qaeda down a peg or two, it was like shooting fish in a barrel.

"Looks like we'll have to do another black ops thing and pass it off as Al Qaeda's work," the CIA operative said. "Seems like we always have to show them how it's done."

Big Blue Monday follows Selection Show shutout

The General Accounting Office reported that millions of people called in sick on Monday after their teams failed to make the NCAA Division I Men's Basketball Tournament.

Most were inconsolable at the thought of being on the outside looking in at March Madness -- a three-week high of team spirit and gambling -- and couldn't bring themselves to sling hash, tote bales, make widgets or enter data with their usual verve. Many stayed at home and stared at the brackets for hours, hoping that their teams would magically appear. Others used magnifying glasses to scour the fine print in hopes that they'd overlooked their team.

"Will somebody please shoot me with a T-shirt canon?" one distraught fan cried.

CBS and ESPN switchboards were deluged with calls from Arizona State, Virginia Tech, Illinois State and Dayton fans, asking through sobs if the Selection Show was a prank and when the real show would be aired.

Hospitals and emergi-centers across the country said people showed up in zombie-like states, unable to comprehend even basic commands like "What is your name," and "Can you give me a high five."

One victim of Selection Sunday shutout lay in the fetal position in a Syracuse, N.Y., doorway and kept repeating that "the bracketologists were wrong. I cannot trust the bracketologists."

Several Ohio State fans said they appreciated Jay Bilas' bellyaching efforts, but that no amount of whining about Kentucky's inclusion in the tournament would compensate for the Buckeyes' misfortunes in 2008.

"Who the fuck cares about the NIT?" one Buckeye fan screamed.

Meanwhile, hordes of fans descended on their respective athletic departments dressed in pink, not to draw attention to breast cancer awareness, but to indicate that their coaches and ADs were sissies for not scheduling tougher non-conference opponents.

"I am in an RPI funk right now," a Mississippi fan said. "I don't even have the strength to fill out a bracket."

A dejected Nebraska fan said he was "so alone and forgotten. I can't even show my face around fans from other power conferences."

Meanwhile, a Florida fan said the good times were over in the Sunshine State and that it was time to fire Billy Donovan, who'd won the last two national championships.

"He won 21 games this year -- big fucking deal," the fan said. "But on the bright side, Millersville and Ouachita Baptist are still alive in my Division II bracket."