American Airlines downsizing fleet, upsizing fear

As American Airlines canceled more than 1,000 flights this week to inspect wiring on its jets, the company made good on its pledge to disrupt passengers' schedules as little as possible by contracting with thousands of owners of single-engine planes and crop-dusters to pick up the slack.

An American Airlines spokesman said that the substitute fleet will carry fewer people at a time, however, more planes will be in the air to deliver passengers to their destinations "within a week or two of their original arrival dates, hopefully."

The spokesman said that the public shouldn't worry when the skies become dark from so many more planes in the air. Sunlight is over-rated, he said.

"We know the airways are already congested, but smaller planes have more maneuverability and shouldn't hit one another, unless, of course, two pilots play 'chicken,' then we've got a problem," said AA official Ronald Tuffts. "But -- and I can't emphasize this enough -- it'll be a small problem, given the size of the planes involved."

One AA vice-president said that passengers would get more one-on-one attention on the smaller planes, something, he regrets, that the jumbo jets lack, no matter what their ad campaigns say.

"But if you're one of those lunatics who obsesses about legroom, in-flight food, restrooms and safety, well, maybe you should look into another form of transportation," Tuffts said. "It seems there won't be any pleasing the likes of you under any circumstances."

Tuffts said the planes will fly closer to the ground, making sight-seeing better and crash landings less traumatic, since the aircraft will not plummet from the sky from 30,000 feet or more, the height at which bigger body planes typically cruise, and trapping passengers in their personal hell for what seems like an eternity of screaming, imagining their fate, and/or wishing they'd gotten rid of their porn stash.

"We're bringing back tree-top flying," an AA source said. "At long last, when you leave a loved one at the airport, you'll be able to see the tears rolling down their cheeks for a good long while. These are true Hallmark moments."

AA said it anticipated a pilot shortfall with the additional flights and hired eager Saudi Arabian, Iranian and Iraqis to cope with the situation. Tuffts said that some of those pilots possessed merely flight-simulator experience from Minnesota and Florida training facilities, but that "should be adequate for smaller planes on shorter routes."

If AA incurs any pilot problems, Tuffts said the carrier would "reluctantly resort" to using teen-age video gamers who have logged at least 100 hours of joy-stick experience.

"We expect some backups and flier complaints, but that's nothing new," an AA insider said. "We've turned a deaf ear to that shit many moons ago."

Big Oil to drill between sofa cushions

As Big Oil representatives were being grilled on Capitol Hill about their massive profits of $40 billion last year, the spokesmen successfully turned the microscope on consumers, saying that Joe Average has way too much disposable income and the companies want their rightful share, plus gratuity.

Big Oil said it knows that there are several pennies, a nickel and two quarters between families' sofa cushions and "would you please kindly send it to them as soon as possible," a spokesman said.

If everyone did that, Big Oil could rake in even more billions to continue its no-end-in-sight research for making combustible, fossil fuels more efficient and exploring government-protected animal sanctuaries and pristine land masses for untapped oilfields. If any money is left over, the companies promised to use it on feel-good ad campaigns that let consumers know how tough it is being Big Oil, and awash in all that money.

"All those nickels and dimes add up to big money if everyone will just get off his high horse and do this for us," a Big Oil insider said. "Do you want to travel? Do you want a warm home? Do you want petroleum jelly? Then send us that loose change because it's obvious you're not using it. Just dig your hand into the nether region between the cushions, suppress your gag reflex for a minute when you touch a snotty Kleenex and pull out those meager riches that you haven't missed for what, like two years?

"Make out a check or money order to us. But, hey, while you're up, why not just round it off to $20. Everybody's got a twenty lying around. We know you spend $20 on baby shower gifts, graduation gifts and gag gifts for people you barely know. Give Big Oil that money and it'll go to work for you. Trust us, it's not going to end up in a garage sale like those stupid gifts you bought.

"That way, we don't have to touch our profits. Because if we have to dip into our profits, we're going to get very, very angry. And who will we take it out on? That's right. You. It'll mean higher prices at the fuel pumps. And from what we're hearing, no one wants that. So c'mon, do your part and chip in. We're your friends."

On their way out of the hearings, Big Oil representatives handed out leaflets reading, "Big Oil: Coming soon to one of those damn rain forests near you."

Coach K refuses to lose

Duke University continued its quest for a fourth men's basketball national championship by advancing to the Final Four after getting crushed by UCLA 189-16 on Saturday. Duke will represent the West Region.

"The season isn't over until I say it's over," an adamant Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski said.

Duke's incredible postseason journey began when it defeated Belmont 71-70 in the NCAA Tournament opener, then fell to West Virginia 73-67, but Coach K was dissatisfied with that outcome and told the NCAA he wanted a do-over.

The NCAA rubber-stamped Krzyzewski's demand for a rematch. This time, though, it was to be played at Cameron Indoor Stadium, the Blue Devils' homecourt, at a time and date picked by the Duke coach. When an outraged and disbelieving West Virginia team didn't show up, Krzyzewski declared a forfeit, eliminating the Mountaineers from the tournament.

"The impertinence of some teams," Coach K said. "They're lucky I wanted a do-over in the first place. I could've disqualified them right after the game because I didn't like the way they celebrated.

"You know, not once did they genuflect in our direction and ask for our blessing."

Duke traveled to Phoenix for the next round last Thursday and was not immediately allowed to enter the US Airways Center by security, which had been expecting WVU. After a huffy Krzyzewski placed a couple of phone calls, NCAA president Myles Brand informed tournament officials that Duke would play Xavier.

A stunned basketball world watched as Xavier trounced Duke 137-5, only to see the Blue Devils advance to Saturday's game with UCLA.

"I thought the winner advanced," said dumbfounded Xavier coach James Whitford, who was yanked away from media members by NCAA officials.

Brand broke the bad news to Whitford and his team when an intern handed the coach a note that read, "The NCAA realizes that while you appeared to win the game on the scoreboard, you lost in the game of life. I regret to inform you that it is Duke's wish to keep on playing. Congratulations on a wonderful season. See you next year. Oh, and don't forget to patronize our NCAA corporate sponsors."

UCLA was horrified to learn after shredding Duke on Saturday that its ticket had not been punched for San Antonio, the site of the Final Four.

"What the hell's going on here?" an incredulous UCLA coach Ben Howland said before an NCAA-administered sedative took effect.

The college basketball world was stunned at the unprecedented turn of events, but threw up its hands in a "whadya-gonna-do" reaction. A bevy of Duke-grad sportscasters -- Jay Bilas, Mike Gminski, Jim Spanarkel and Seth Davis -- and Duke ass-kissers -- Dick Vitale, Billy Packer and Mike Patrick -- mentally waterboarded viewers with reasons that the Durham school was, indeed, the more-deserving team to advance.

Krzyzewski said he would not allow the season to end until he was certain an opponent beat Duke when the Blue Devils played to their potential, were sufficiently motivated by the Cameron Crazies' aren't-we-smart cheers, and got all the referees' calls.

"Anything short of that and I cannot, in good conscience, permit another team to advance," Coach K said. "Right now, I'm not convinced other teams are better than we are. Most are not even worthy to cast their eyes upon us, much less touch the hem of our garments."

Several NCAA officials said the matter was out of their hands, and even Brand was only doing what he was told to do by "sinister" forces inside ESPN and CBS, both Scientology-like cults smitten by The Duke Way.

"What's good for Duke is good for the country," one CBS exec said. "Duke is America's Team and Krzyzewski is America's Coach. What they say goes."

Meanwhile, the NCAA gave the OK to print banners, T-shirts and caps emblazoned with Duke as the national champion, in the event that no team impresses Coach K as much as his own.

"It's our title to lose," he said.

Dookies ask for, get do-over

Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski asked for and was granted a do-over by the NCAA after West Virginia defeated the Blue Devils 73-67 in the second round of the NCAA Tournament on Saturday.

The game has been rescheduled for Monday at Cameron Indoor Stadium at a time Krzyzewski will determine.

Coach K said his squad didn’t have enough time to prepare for West Virginia after Duke’s narrow win over Belmont in Thursday’s first round. He said the squad thought it got its one bad game out of its system against unknown Belmont, and told the Blue Devils to spend their off-day on Friday with a stripper or two.

But after losing to West Virginia, Krzyzewski decided the team wasn’t as prepared as it should’ve been and notified the NCAA. The NCAA huddled for about two minutes and rubber-stamped Krzyzewski’s request.

It said that Duke deserved another chance because the team was dealt a bad hand by the tournament’s selection committee when it sent the Blue Devils out of state for the first two rounds. Normally, Duke doesn’t have to play an early NCAA Tournament game more than 60 miles away from home.

The NCAA said sending Duke 256 miles up the road to Washington, D.C., was an oversight.

“We have to make the situation right,” an NCAA representative said. “After looking at all the facts, we believe replaying the game in Durham is only fair.

"I hope Duke forgives us.”

“Maybe you’ve heard of us,” Krzyzewski said during his press conference after the loss. “We play in the ACC, and we usually don’t have to face such lousy competition, but that’s what happens in the NCAAs. They’ll let teams like Belmont and West Virginia in.

“It’s so beneath us to have to play them, but the NCAA manned-up and rescheduled the game.”

Krzyzewski said he also was distressed at the number of fouls called in Saturday’s contest. WVU had 25 and was in early foul trouble. Duke had 23, several of which were called late in the game when the Blue Devils had to foul.

“It’s not like we’re playing eight against five, you know,” Krzyzewski said. “Our five plus two refs should be enough. All we ask is that the third ref be neutral.

“But the way they called the game today, I think there was some collusion. I saw at least 75 West Virginia fouls and, I’ll have to look at the film, but I don’t recall my guys committing one, even when I told them to foul.”

Krzyzewski said he usually meets with the referees before the game to determine how many fouls he wants called, but got a bad vibe from this officiating crew.

“I could tell they were going to call it our way, just not enough to really stick it to (WVU coach) Bob Huggins,” Coach K said. “I mean, my record is impeccable, and Bob’s record is, uh, well, let’s be kind and say Bob’s got some baggage.

“All I want to know is why didn’t we get more free throws when it was obvious our 3-point shooting was off? I smell a rat.”

Duke shot 32 foul shots to WVU's 22.

The NCAA said it’s embarrassed about the situation and promised never to send Duke out of state for the postseason again. An NCAA insider said the organization is considering legislation that will give Duke opponents two fouls on every one of its players to start the game, plus they must play wearing blindfolds.

“That should even things up a little,” Coach K said.

Clinton gets down and dirty

Hillary Clinton didn't want to have to go to Evansville, Indiana.

The Democratic presidential hopeful said she prayed she'd have enough of her party's delegates wrapped up by March 20 to guarantee her nomination, rather than having to visit "southern Indiana pig farmers, smile, shake their grimy hands, and act like I cared about them."

Clinton insiders said the former First Lady dreaded going to Evansville because it signaled her campaign was in deep trouble.

"Evansville's just the start," one campaign worker said. "I mean, Hillary is going to have to start sucking up to one voter at a time, which, for the life of her, she didn't want to do, despite what her fake smile tricks you into believing.

"The bad part is, there will be an endless stream of Evansvilles in the coming weeks."

Evansville was swept up in Hillary Fever this week as elementary school children hand-painted signs that read, "Create better jobs in other cities so our parents can get us the hell out of Evansville NOW!" and "We like your lies, not Obama's," also, "If you're elected, will we all have to wear pantsuits during your term?"

Meanwhile, the Masturbators Club of Southern Indiana grudgingly endorsed Ms. Clinton, saying it didn't have much choice since there weren't any other women candidates, although if she was pitted against Ms. Obama, Ms. Clinton "wouldn't carry a single precinct."

One club member suggested that Ms. Clinton at least show some leg or wear a tight, white blouse so his fellow self-abusers could get a little more excited about her. Giles Robertson, the club's past president, said that if Ms. Clinton was caught in a lesbian relationship with somebody hot, his organization would throw enthusiastic support her way.

Ms. Clinton said she's at the point in her campaign that she'll take MCoSI's suggestions under advisement. Also, she might allow Robertson to grope her if he'll assure her that he can deliver southern Indiana's lone super-delegate, who, coincidentally, is also a club member.

"Now do you see what I mean about Evansville?" she said to an aide. "It's a sign of things to come."

CIA breaks up Al Qaeda crew, project delayed

Al Qaeda has gotten too careless in its choice of projects and planning recently, which may account for the lack of terrorist activity here, the CIA reported on Wednesday.

Nothing illustrated that point better than when the once-feared terrorist network showed up at the Brooklyn Bridge this week with a 40-man work crew and six pieces of heavy earth-moving equipment to tear down New York City's famed connector between Brooklyn and lower Manhattan, only to be turned away on a technicality.

"They put up orange cones and 'Men at work' signs, the whole shebang," a CIA operative said. "But what tipped us off was that the men actually looked busy, not standing around collecting a paycheck, like you usually see in the city."

New Yorkers couldn't believe Al Qaeda's brazen return to these shores, despite tight security measures, eagle-eye law enforcement and a citizenry that gets huffy at any traffic delay. The CIA chided the organization as getting too big for its sarwals. The words "Al Qaeda" and its logo, splashed across the sides of the bulldozers and dump trucks, appeared to be hastily painted over to avoid detection.

By mid-morning, one police cruiser showed up and asked the crew's foreman for his work permits.

"All their paperwork was in order, but they hadn't kicked back money to the proper agencies like they were supposed to," the cop said. "I followed procedure and called for backup, and we worked with their flagmen to divert traffic until we sent them all home."

Thanks to a weak-kneed, left-leaning Democratic Congress, law enforcement's power has been gutted, leaving police with only the authority to break up the project. They could not arrest anyone, nor confiscate the heavy equipment or explosives. Al Qaeda was issued a citation, which is accompanied by a small fine.

The bridge dismantling is slated to continue once all the politicians are paid off.

The cop said the workers, all wearing snazzy Al Qaeda-issue overalls and protective gear, were displeased with the project, calling it "not aggressive or covert enough."

A couple of Iraqi men on the crew complained that the work was hard, and far from the "glorious mission" they signed up for at the Baghdad recruiting office.

"I thought I was going to blow myself up in one swift, painless moment," one Iraqi said. "For the record, this is bullshit. It looks like a two-year job, minimum."

The other Iraqi said, "We were misled. The cell leader said we'd get double-suicide points for this mission. Who wouldn't be enticed? That rockets you to the platinum-card membership level.

"Then I get here and they hand me a hard hat and pick-ax, and tell me to get busy. This one smartass crew chief said, 'There aren't any virgins in heaven waiting for slouches like you.' I mean, why the abuse?"

The CIA announced that while it enjoyed taking Al Qaeda down a peg or two, it was like shooting fish in a barrel.

"Looks like we'll have to do another black ops thing and pass it off as Al Qaeda's work," the CIA operative said. "Seems like we always have to show them how it's done."

Big Blue Monday follows Selection Show shutout

The General Accounting Office reported that millions of people called in sick on Monday after their teams failed to make the NCAA Division I Men's Basketball Tournament.

Most were inconsolable at the thought of being on the outside looking in at March Madness -- a three-week high of team spirit and gambling -- and couldn't bring themselves to sling hash, tote bales, make widgets or enter data with their usual verve. Many stayed at home and stared at the brackets for hours, hoping that their teams would magically appear. Others used magnifying glasses to scour the fine print in hopes that they'd overlooked their team.

"Will somebody please shoot me with a T-shirt canon?" one distraught fan cried.

CBS and ESPN switchboards were deluged with calls from Arizona State, Virginia Tech, Illinois State and Dayton fans, asking through sobs if the Selection Show was a prank and when the real show would be aired.

Hospitals and emergi-centers across the country said people showed up in zombie-like states, unable to comprehend even basic commands like "What is your name," and "Can you give me a high five."

One victim of Selection Sunday shutout lay in the fetal position in a Syracuse, N.Y., doorway and kept repeating that "the bracketologists were wrong. I cannot trust the bracketologists."

Several Ohio State fans said they appreciated Jay Bilas' bellyaching efforts, but that no amount of whining about Kentucky's inclusion in the tournament would compensate for the Buckeyes' misfortunes in 2008.

"Who the fuck cares about the NIT?" one Buckeye fan screamed.

Meanwhile, hordes of fans descended on their respective athletic departments dressed in pink, not to draw attention to breast cancer awareness, but to indicate that their coaches and ADs were sissies for not scheduling tougher non-conference opponents.

"I am in an RPI funk right now," a Mississippi fan said. "I don't even have the strength to fill out a bracket."

A dejected Nebraska fan said he was "so alone and forgotten. I can't even show my face around fans from other power conferences."

Meanwhile, a Florida fan said the good times were over in the Sunshine State and that it was time to fire Billy Donovan, who'd won the last two national championships.

"He won 21 games this year -- big fucking deal," the fan said. "But on the bright side, Millersville and Ouachita Baptist are still alive in my Division II bracket."

Ebony and Ivory miscast by Hollywood

Hollywood is misinformed about the number of white people who have blacks as best friends and should start portraying such relationships more realistically on TV and film, according to a report released by the National Alliance of Caucasians on Monday.

"Our research shows that four whites in America have black best friends, and one of them is blind, so you probably shouldn't count that one, but we included him just to show we're not racist," said Herve Montgomery, the Alliance's president. "But in every TV show and movie that comes out, the lead white character's bosom buddy is a black dude. On what planet does that happen?"

Montgomery said he would gladly share his research with the "Hollywood Propaganda Machine," but it's not listed in the phone book, and even if he could get a meeting, its members would either lose his scraps of paper or get them out of order and make the Fairview, Kansas-based organization look like a bunch of crackpots.

"Our numbers diverge wildly from Hollywood's," said Montgomery, as he rifled through several Motel 6 bedside notepads to locate his talking points. "Plus, they have an agenda. They're pushing racial harmony on viewers. That's not the America I know."

Montgomery said blacks are too cool to associate with whites, much less consider them their best friends. If anything, Hollywood producers come from a white point of view and foist their "best friendedness" on blacks, wishing it was so. Blacks, meanwhile, mock the make-believe film world that shows them as next-door neighbors who confide their inner-most thoughts and feelings with white people, meet socially at yacht clubs, laugh at white humor and vacation together.

"I'm not saying it couldn't or shouldn't happen, it just doesn't," Montgomery said. "In real life, there are no 'King of Queens,' in which right-wing oaf Doug Heffernan is best friends with Deacon Palmer. And if Stephanie was half as cool as she appears to be on 'My Boys,' she wouldn't be hanging with dorky PJ."

Montgomery said the only realistic show on TV is Everybody Loves Raymond "because while Ray interacts with blacks as part of his job, they are not part of his calling circle."

"And when Robert Barone started seeing his black cop partner socially, she laughed uproariously when it was misconstrued that they were dating, exposing him for the goofy white guy he is."

The Alliance's report also said that its research couldn't find a single close foursome that included a white, a black, an Asian and a gay, contrary to Hollywood's belief that every group has those components.

"Next, Hollywood will try to tell us that the Crips and the Aryan Brotherhood are best friends, too," Montgomery said.

Tripp-shot artist hoped for eagle

Tripp Isenhour was awarded a PGA Tour card after hitting a "one-in-a-million" golf shot that killed a protected hawk this week.

PGA officials were quoted as saying, "Great shot," and "Those damn birds have no respect for the game."

Isenhour was annoyed by the hawk's loud chirps that interrupted the filming of his instructional video. When the video hits the market, the shot will be included in promotional tags and listed as "cool stuff" in the DVD's bonus section.

"Too bad it was just a hawk and not an eagle," Isenhour said, trying to mix his knowledge of language with golf lingo.

Those outside the isolated world of pro golf were outraged by the incident. Bird-lovers, lovebirds, know-nothings and chronic complainers said a light fine and suspension of practice putting green privileges, Isenhour's likely punishment, would fall well short of what they deemed adequate. Many said he should be stoned to death, as in biblical times when golf etiquette was breached, or be forced to listen to several Celine Dion recordings, the harshest punishment currently employed at the Guantanamo Bay terrorist lockup.

The PGA said it would start the punishment process by issuing a written reprimand, probably with very strong language. However, one PGA insider said the organization's biggest ongoing concern was keeping another African-American like Tiger Woods from emerging and taking away so many endorsement opportunities.

"White players are very upset," one official said. "The hawk thing? Not so much."

The PGA reserves the right to issue a Tour card for "special cases," such as Casey Martin, who claims to have a disability and needs a cart, or be carried on horseback, to go from hole to hole rather than walk the course like his heroic counterparts laboriously do.

PGA officials said Isenhour's shot was like a "quadruple hole-in-one," and merited a one-year Tour card.

"Unless he does it again," an insider said. "Then it's good for life."

Isenhour is playing the Nationwide Tour this year, but has played two years on the PGA Tour. He lost his card both times, once after failing to finish in the top 125 money winners, and the other when leaving it in his pants pocket and having it shredded in the wash. He tried taping the pieces back together but was turned away by security guards at every Tour event thereafter, although he did pass it off once as a Fun Club membership card at Balloon World.

Touring pros responded to the incident by saying, "Get me my three-wood, boy," "Where's my limo driver," and "I'll have the Hawk Combo Meal with a Diet Coke."

Woods, meanwhile, sidestepped the issue, saying only that "I'm not a spokesman for the black community. Besides, I'm only part-black, so talk to Louis Farrakhan, Malcolm X, or one of 'those' people."

Golf announcer Pat Summerall said in a whisper that the improbable shot "looked to me like he got a birdie."

But the overriding sentiment in the golf community was, "Who is this guy?" and "Where can I get that video?"

Spielberg has deep impact on Darfur

Steven Spielberg brought the violence in western Darfur to a stunning end on Friday after the Hollywood film director resigned last month from his post as art director for the Bejing Olympics.

"I guess really showed them who's boss," Spielberg said. "The power of art know no bounds."

Sudanese government and rebel group officials said they laid down their arms as soon as news reached them through an Entertainment Tonight reporter. The correspondent had been covering George Clooney's facial expressions as the star of stage and screen traveled throughout the African nation to hold babies and sign autographs.

"This situation is not acceptable," a Sudanese Army officer said. "I do not want to be held responsible for inferior art design at the Bejing Olympics. Colors must not clash. Drawings must be Photoshopped with skill.

"Mr. Spielberg is the only Hollywood mogul I'd stop slaughtering innocent people for, unless, of course, he wants me to play a crazed killer in one of his movies."

China’s role as an arms supplier and oil patron of Sudan has brought international criticism from advocacy groups, which blame Beijing for protecting Khartoum’s interests. Spielberg was pegged to be the Olympics' art director, but never signed a contract and, in effect, quit a job he never had, further illustrating the power of his wallop.

Spielberg's announcement couldn't have come at a better time. Violence escalated recently as the Sudanese Army and its allies attacked rebel groups, causing a new wave of refugees flowing into neighboring Chad. Chad agreed to accept the refugees on the condition that Spielberg reconsider being the Olympics art director, which Spielberg said he is prepared to do, provided he gets Mia Farrow's blessing.

Farrow has referred to this fall's Games as the "Genocide Olympics." Insiders said that it was that comment that ultimately made Spielberg, who produced classics like "Pinky and the Brain" and "Freakazoid!," resign.

"All it means is more goddamn work for me," said Spielberg, who pushed his team slavishly to create "Genocide Olympics" logos, icons, music and action figures if the Olympic committee decided at the last minute to change the name to stay on the good side of Hollywood's intelligentsia. "I quit."

Americans more "appalled," "horrified" than before

The Pewter Institute's 2007 survey revealed on Thursday that Americans are more "appalled" and "horrified" now than they were a year ago.

The Pewter Institute measures the attitudes, moods and feelings of Americans through non-scientific evaluation and guesstimation, which it said are the core elements of new-age fact-finding.

"Our reports aren't just numbers-driven," Pewter Institute CEO Johns Murton said. "You have to hear what people say, even if they don't know what they're talking about and are prone to exaggeration. Sometimes we'll take things out of context if it's important enough, but only if we're pretty sure what a person means."

Murton said his organization has been surveying since 2001, the year it applied for a government grant as a lark, then got funded.

"We were shocked," Murton said. "But we were no different than a lot of people back then. 'Shock' was everywhere."

The Pewter report doesn't define what Americans are "appalled" or "horrified" about, just that they are.

"I like to think our researchers are good listeners," Murton said. "It really doesn't matter what the question is."

Murton said there's some data to suggest that people are "appalled" and "horrified" about the war in Iraq, the economy, crime, health care and dog vomit, or vomit not found in a proper receptacle.

"Nobody really knows, and it's not up to us to put too fine a point on it," he said. "Americans demand simplicity. We don't want to muddle things up by getting to the root cause."

The Pewter report also said more and more people "can't get their mind around" something, or are down to their "last nerve." However, people weren't as "dumbfounded" in 2007 as they were in 2006, when that reaction rose at near-unprecedented rates, second only to "deeply concerned," which gripped the nation in 2005.

Murton said more people would be "chagrined" or "disquieted," but they don't know what either word means and are "loathe" to use them for "fear" of acting "smart."

On the other side of the ledger, the Pewter Institute's survey reported that "awesome" and "amazing" had reached epidemic proportions, particularly in regard to last weekend's plans. However, many new acquaintances turned out to be significantly less "off the hook" after a second or third meeting, probably because both parties were sober again and back to the daily grind.

Economy tumbles, sportswriters take the fall

Rising gas prices and a tight economy have caused businesses to close or layoff workers, but the situation became even more dire on Tuesday when the nation's sportswriters realized that their travel budgets and expense allowances have been slashed, probably for good.

Baseball beat writers covering spring training in Florida and Arizona -- viewed by many media executives and readers as an all-expenses paid six-week vacation -- voiced their collective displeasure in a conference call in hopes that someone outside their tight-knit circle would care.

"We've got a real problem here," said Pete Torgeson, a veteran columnist for The Times. "Readers want to know their team's progress, hear the veterans' griping about two-hour busrides to take one lazy at-bat, and the status of every strained oblique. If my editors send me to just the final two weeks of spring training when the roster starts to finalize, how am I supposed to tan?

"Everybody knows you burn the first week in the sun, and you take off the second week to heal. If I'm here for the full six weeks, then you look refreshed and healthy when the season starts. You can't rush these things."

But many younger writers were more concerned about newspapers curtailing coast-to-coast travel and unreceipted expenses, as well as the alarming absence of freebies provided by teams, such as food, athletic gear and rounds of golf.

"That's why I got into this business," said Jeff Gahagan, a rising star among columnists whose recent work has tailed off since having to use his own money at strip clubs. "I can't afford a steady diet of lap dances and eight or nine watered-down drinks. I'll be broke in a couple of days."

Several big papers have announced they won't send multiple writers to major events like the Super Bowl, Masters, World Series, NBA Finals, Olympics and the college football national championship game, to name just a few, but will cut back to just one writer, and only then if the hometown team is involved.

"Great. No more stealing frequent-flyer miles from the company," one writer said. "I'm in the wrong profession."

College basketball writers have been feeling the pinch for several years, causing fear in the ranks that even darker days loomed.

"Go to one NCAA Tournament and you're hooked for life," one columnist said. "Free tote bags, T-shirts, ballcaps, meals, you name it. Oh, and front-row seats, too.

"Now, we're lucky if we get access to a media men's room so we don't have to wait in line to pee with the fans."

Horse racing writers have found their ranks dwindling, too, as thoroughbred racing has gone in the tank and editors opt to use wire-service stories over sending degenerate gamblers with limited writing skills on a six-week Triple Crown binge.

"I'm going to miss that fine Kentucky bourbon," one old hack said, remembering fondly many a Kentucky Derby Week pub crawl in Louisville.

In response, some correspondents have threatened to interview fewer sources, leave words out of sentences and shorten stories from a well-crafted 12 inches to a you-get-what-you-pay-for 10.

Writers from smaller papers have also noticed belt-tightening at the high-school level. Regional tournament hospitality suites no longer offer sandwiches, cookies and soda.

"Now, somebody might bring a half-eaten bag of chips from home," said Teddy Lawson of the Springfield Caller. "The day of the hot pizza slice is over."

Kid rescued on cue

Tri-state rescue teams waited nearly four hours for the Live at 6 News Team cruiser to arrive before pulling 4-year-old Autumn Yancy from a storm drain on Monday.

Rescue squads from area police and fire stations were under orders not to act until reporters were on the scene to highlight their life-saving efforts, and garner much-needed positive publicity in the wake of several recent foul-ups, particularly a multi-force raid on a grandmother's 90th birthday party two weeks ago that resulted in her stroking-out.

Officials said the child was "probably" not in serious danger after falling into the drain at about 3:30 p.m., although she was screaming at the top of her lungs. Fire chief Wex Middleberg said the cries were more "from fear than pain."

"It's times like this when years of training kicks in," Middleberg said. "Our expert opinion was that she was just scared from being in a dark, tight spot, so you turn a deaf ear and wait it out.

"Normally, the film crew is Johnny-on-the-spot, but it's a Monday and they're shorthanded. I totally understand. We've all got our problems."

The somewhat cute brunette followed a kitty into the storm drain near the Yancy's affordable housing in Backwater Township, then became lodged. Her help cries echoed throughout the drain, causing neighborhood residents to hide their stolen property and drugs before alerting 911, fearing random searches when law enforcement descended on the area.

"Truth be told, the storm drain was a lot less cramped than her family's dingy apartment," Middleberg said. "I hope she enjoyed it down there."

Middleberg said the rescuers sang the child songs and threw jerky treats in her direction in hopes of keeping her from going stark raving mad. However, it was crucial that she kept crying in order for Live at 6 News Team microphones to record the panic in her voice.

"You don't want to pull her out and have her smiling for the cameras," one longtime policeman said. "We've pretty much got this shit down to a science.

"The last thing you want is to rescue the kid before the media arrives, then rip her from her mother's arms, throw her back in the storm drain and re-enact the scene. That'll get you sued."

Middleberg said the rescue teams caught a break because Yancy's parents are estranged and the mother, who was supposed to watch the child, was passed out in front of the TV. The father could not be located.

"That gave us a couple extra hours to play with," Middleberg said.

When the Live at 6 News Team cruiser showed up around 7:15 p.m., the rescue went on without a hitch.

"I think we scored some public-relations points today," a police spokesman said. "It was a team effort. We didn't rush in to save little Autumn until everything was in place. The child is safe and back home. Her mother never even knew she was gone."

Area police officials said they would've preferred to delay the rescue even longer and show off the department's new klieg lighting system, but Live at 6 News Team news director Prince Cooper said the unit needed to leave to cover a tap-dancing panda bear, and couldn't wait for total darkness.

"Oh, well," one policeman said. "You win some, you lose some."

Cooper said his station is glad to cooperate with police and fire departments in such dramatic situations, and hopes for a bump in its ratings and audience.

"Glad this story happened, because up until then, it was a pretty slow news day," Cooper said. "And lucky for the kid that we weren't off covering a basketball game, or she might still be in that drain waiting for the next news cycle to run."

Bin Laden to endorse Hillary

Osama Bin Laden is expected to endorse Hillary Rodham Clinton as the Democratic presidential candidate today. The world's chief terrorist is rumored to favor Clinton because "she'll terrorize America in ways I never thought of."

The endorsement could be the quirky Bin Laden's most-heinous act yet. He is said to have orchestrated the September 11 suicide missions, then eluded capture for almost seven years by ducking into his network of hideouts that include Afghanistan caves and shotgun houses in forgotten, post-Katrina New Orleans that law enforcement has abandoned.

Bin Laden insiders have said for months that he's been looking to make a final splash before retiring to Miami Beach. Al Qaeda's power has been weakened and losing focus for some time now. Most of its operatives in the United States have lost interest in suicide bombings and concentrate on "annoyances" rather than look for trouble.

"Look, I'm a single dad," Musha Smith-Muhammad said. "I've got two jobs, I'm taking a yoga class, I cook, I clean, the kids are screaming. I would like nothing better than to blow myself up, but who's got time to build a bomb?

"I'm doing well to kick over a garbage can so pedestrians have to hold their nose and walk around it. Leave me alone already, OK?"

When traffic lights go out, potholes develop or long lines form, Al Qaeda's public relations firm, Janzen Brothers of New York, is quick to say its client is responsible.

"We get kind of tired trumpeting these minor successes, but it is what it is," a Janzen Brothers spokesman said. "Al Qaeda's lost its steam, so we've given the account to a junior partner. Maybe the Clinton endorsement will get Bin Laden some much-needed press."

Bin Laden is said to have considered throwing his terrorist heft behind Barack Obama, who some claim is a Muslim. But Obama is gaining popularity among middle Americans and, should he be elected in November, could be a more-difficult adversary for Bin Laden. However, Clinton is the third-most despised figure in America behind George W. Bush and Bin Laden, and Bin Laden's tangy endorsement would be like passing the baton to a teammate.

Bin Laden said he hopes his announcement will affect Tuesday's primaries in Texas and Ohio, however, political wonks say his endorsement is coming much too late in the process. Now, he appears out of touch and senile, and ignorant of American politics.

"Besides, the guy needs a make-over," the Janzen Brothers spokesman said. "He's taken that robe and turban thing as far as it'll go. It's time to introduce him to Perry Ellis, a 'do rag and a pair of sunglasses. Then he'll get some bang for his buck."

Obama, Clinton to put the W. back in work

Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton detailed their "Put America Back to Work" initiatives on Wednesday, and both were surprisingly similar, but for one major exception.

Clinton's plan calls for companies to pay U.S. workers higher wages while encouraging the use of substandard materials to balance production costs. Meanwhile, Obama's plan will require companies to pay lower wages while letting employees get away with murder on the job, a perk many already enjoy, just without legal backing.

Both candidates for the Democratic presidential nomination agreed that America has to bring jobs back from overseas, and stop helping the world get economically stronger while bleeding the U.S. dry. They blamed President George W. Bush for the current malaise.

Clinton, a favorite of organized labor, said Americans deserve better-paying jobs "because, well, we're Americans." She said that if companies used inferior materials in products, the products would soon break, and that would generate more sales. One Wall Street investor said that "that's flawed thinking, but it just might work."

"It's win-win for the employees and the companies," said Clinton, smiling and waving to constituents. "Just not for the consumer."

Obama gave nod to his adversary's plan, calling it "a never-ending circle of corporate hustle and flow that could have a positive effective on the economy." But the charismatic Democratic challenger said his plan will be more cost-effective because it starts with an uneducated workforce, which America has in spades.

"Even though there are a million college students, many were handed passing grades, so their degrees are worthless," said Obama, firing up a crowd of supporters on hand for his announcement. "And a high school education is a joke because all they teach are How to Round off Numbers and the History of Slain Rap Artists."

Obama, the master of the catchy phrase, said high school should be called, "Every Child Left Behind."

"But that's OK, because a stupid worker will be thankful just to have a job, even one paying peanuts, as long as there are ample perks so that he can slough through the day," Obama said.

Obama's plan said laziness coupled with sloppy workmanship will be Job 1. The plan also includes incentives for companies that look the other way when incompetence is reported.

"I don't know any kid who wants to learn more and work harder," he said as the crowd responded with huzzahs. "A low-wage job means job security."

Highlights in Obama's "perk package" include being allowed to go on break as soon as a worker clocks in; free iTune earphones so an employee can bee-bop through the day and block out bosses giving orders, co-workers asking questions and customers complaining.

"We have enough distractions in our lives already, am I right?" Obama shouted.

Obama said employees won't just be permitted to come to work wearing ratty or revealing clothing, they'll be encouraged to. Service-industry workers will be allowed to talk back to customers, mock them without fear of disciplinary action from management, and either mumble responses or speak with food in their mouth. Employees will no longer have to go to restroom stalls for a quick nap in the middle of the day. His plan ensures that they can sleep at their work stations.

"And we're going to streamline incoming calls for businesses," Obama said. "Workers can disconnect callers rather than transfer them to the proper department. Just press that Easy Button, America."

Obama, borrowing a Chinese proverb, then twisting it to suite his message and passing it off as his own genius, said that "if you give a man a job, he'll eat for a day, but if you teach him a skill, he'll quit and collect unemployment."

Joe Torre's pitch: Keep those pants on, fellas

Joe Torre, the frumpy Los Angeles Dodgers manager, reportedly will replace studly Michael Jordan as the new Hanes Underwear pitchman in its national TV ad campaign. Torre tested well among people who still bought underwear, such as the 65-and-over generation, and the newly sagging 35-to-45 crowd.

"I'm too old to go without underpants now," said Hollywood's Terry Adamowski, a 36-year-old accountant who can't get work because his junk keeps falling out of his khakis. "If you're 30, you can still pull it off, because in southern California it's hip and kinky. But when you start packing on a few pounds, if anything coyly slips out onto a spreadsheet, people are no longer amused. They call the cops."

Torre Shorts promise to keep everything in place with unforgiving straps, levers, belts and braces, and will hide a certain bulge, unlike Jordan's line that accentuated it. Reports show that men who purchased the Jordan-approved skivvies were dissatisfied with the product because it did not make them look like an NBA All-Star, give them the extra lift needed to dunk a basketball, improve their golf scores, or add the charm needed to attract ladies who are out of their league.

Hanes reportedly said the trend toward reality TV programming also played a part in its decision to drop Jordan.

"I hate to say it, but America looks like Joe Torre," a Hanes spokesman said.

Torre won four World Series with the New York Yankees, but was unloved in the front office because of his inability to win just seven more titles. Club owner George Steinbrenner, coincidentally, wore the underwear that Jordan pitched. It boosted his ego, even though insiders said that the waist had to be let out by a yard and a half while other areas of fabric had to be pinned up to compensate for his shortcomings.

Torre has found endorsement riches galore on the West Coast, where he has signed on to promote varicose vein cream, Halloween masks, Vick's Vapor Rub and Hair Sprigs for Men. And in a case of mistaken gender, Torre was selected as the centerfold for Bag Lady Magazine. The publication hit the newsstands and sold out in several locations before anyone realized the error.

Torre, whose sad sack features give consumers something to relate to, shrugged his shoulders upon seeing the magazine and, as usual, was too nice to complain.

"It even fooled me," Torre said. "I thought it was Margaret Thatcher."

New US military force to get its smile on

Amid concerns of rising inflation in the oil-rich Middle East and the resulting strikes and demonstrations over the rise in food costs, President George W. Bush has decided to invade Iraq again, but this time with a new, feel-good army and a plan that has yet to be totally fleshed out.

The United States already has its traditional armed forces fighting in Iraq, as well as Halliburton's security force and crazy mercenaries on the loose, but as inflation unrest spreads across the region, the president sees it as the perfect opportunity to spread peace with "blood-thirsty Christian charity."

The new, soon-to-be-organized force will start out by quelling the disturbances in Iraq with kind words and pay-it-forward good deeds, "even though there is virtual calm already in place," Bush said. He said using guns will be the new army's last resort.

The president's top advisors suggested that the US pull its current forces out of Iraq to get some "good ink" worldwide, hold the troops in a secret hiding place for a couple of days, then re-invade. Bush shot down the idea, calling it "stupid" and a "waste of taxpayer dollars."

Bush said the current occupation force has its job to do while the new army will use softer tactics to appease liberals, even though the US has "made so many friends in Iraq already."

"Our troops really like it in Iraq," Bush said. "Re-enlistments have never been higher. In fact, some don't want to come home to loved ones. Instead, most are trying to move their families to the Middle East with hopes of retiring there.

"For a country that's been leveled and now experiencing Democracy for the first time, Iraq really has a lot of affordable housing. Just this morning I saw an ad for a charred bungalow that's within walking distance to bombed-out schools, hospitals, churches and shopping malls. That baby's gonna sell fast."

Bush said establishing a new military force will be the easy part. Naming it, though, will be tough.

"I want it to sound really cool," the commander-in-chief said. "Like Tomb Raiders, the Rambo Division, or the Go Ahead and Make My Day Corps."

Bush indicated that women will be encouraged to volunteer for Fox Force Five, borrowing the name of the female fighting unit referred to in the movie Pulp Fiction. He also noted that any new force will offer lax training procedures -- similar to those in Bill Murray's military spoof Stripes -- to appeal to a new generation of chronic whiners.

"But we need to get this project moving because we don't want to invade a country when the unrest is already over," Bush said. "That would lead to a lot of standing around and poking fun at the odd culture and peoples of a foreign land. The next thing you know, you're arresting people who claim to be innocent."

Bush said that while the new army's name will sound macho, its mission will be as "peace monger" and intends for its soldiers to use only "friendly fire" if required to shoot guns.

"As it's used now, the term 'friendly fire' has such a bad connotation," said Bush, referring to the act of soldiers killing their own people by accident. "We want to turn that frown upside-down."

Also, body counts will not be reported to reduce busywork and save on paper.

"We want to nip this unrest in the bud," Bush said. "If a soldier in the new army has to shoot someone, we want him to do it with a smile."

Zero visibility at stealth bomber crash site

A B-2 stealth bomber crashed in Guam on Friday as part of a United States Air Force project to determine just how undetectable the plane is.

Generals slapped each other on the back after initial reports of the downed aircraft confirmed that Guam natives did not see the plane fall from the sky, hear it crash, feel the ground shake upon impact or find debris. But the mood at command central darkened abruptly when the natives reported black smoke billowing in the sky.

"Invisible smoke," said one high-ranking officer adept at speaking without moving his lips and throwing his voice. "We've got to work on that. Get David Blaine on the hotline."

The Air Force said both B-2 pilots ejected safely from the aircraft, however, that was difficult to prove independently since they, too, landed quietly and apparently disappeared. Rescue teams, however, reportedly heard snickering from thick underbrush after an official used a bullhorn to recall workers and terminate the search.

As the U.S. Defense Department prepared to announce the news at a press conference, the press release itself vanished as did the spokesperson designated to inform the media, even though he claimed to be standing in full sight.

Several stealth bombers are old, becoming obsolete and will be phased out, one insider said. The government plans to sell them at silent auction.

Meanwhile, news apparently surfacing from the stealth industry seems to indicate -- although it couldn't be pinned down -- that technology has been pirated for use in other areas. That's one theory on Hillary Clinton's rapid disappearance from the Democratic presidential nomination race.

However, not all stealth materials are up to specs as attempts to cover Kirstie Alley's fat ass have been dreadfully unsuccessful. One industry mole said the super-calibrated thermoplatics and composites required for such a task have baffled the best and the brightest.

"And even if we do make a breakthrough, there's no technology currently available to disguise her BO," he said.

Elsewhere, the U.S. Treasury is expected to announce that all future income tax refunds will be paid in stealth dollars so taxpayers shouldn't waste time looking for them, but just "trust that the money is there somewhere."

Clinton's new strategy: She's black

As Barack Obama continues to pile up primary and caucus victories in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, Hillary Rodham Clinton emerged on Saturday with a gold-capped tooth and claimed she was black.

"My people have suffered long enough," she said. "I ax ya'll to vote for me."

Clinton has already played the Crying Card going into the New Hampshire primary, where she got choked up and shed a few crocodile tears. Apparently that was enough to sway women and the undecideds into voting for her, temporarily halting Obama's juggernaut. The popular African-American challenger mesmerizes crowds with rhetoric and charisma, and Clinton insiders said they didn't know how to fight that except with a loony claim that Clinton was also black.

Critics said they expected some kind of Clinton stunt as losses mounted, but not the Race Card, at least not at this point in primary season.

Clinton bristled when a reporter doubted her black heritage.

"I think you should ask Mr. Obama about his heritage since he doesn't look that black to me," she said. "He looks tan."

To prove her blackness, Clinton said she tried to hail a cab and none stopped for her.

"They'll stop for any ol' peckerwood, but not a smart, black sista," Clinton said. "Whitey has it real good in this country, but that's going to change when I get in the White House."

Clinton's opponents didn't know what to make of this harebrained scheme, but were afraid to comment as the candidate's husband, former president Bill Clinton, was caged nearby, bearing his teeth and growling, about to play the Rottweiler Card.

A reporter asked if Ms. Clinton was completely black or just part black, but she declined to answer. Her strategists intimated she will hedge on that issue for the time being, just in case she needs to play the Mulatto Card.

"I have done dealt with racisms all my life," she said, fracturing the language just enough to give dimwit voters reasonable doubt about her race.

"Maybe she is black after all," said Homer Tate of Soggy Bottom, Ala. "Coulda fooled me."

Insiders also hinted at other cards Clinton has up her sleeve, such as the Fat Card, in which she will wear a latex fat suit to appeal to millions of obese Americans, and the Floozy Card, a last resort that she'd rather save for the presidential election, provided she wins her party's nomination. One aide said she'll strip off her trademark pantsuit at a press conference, revealing racy underwear, then don a short, clingy V-neck dress and high heels, and tart around the stage.

One rumor circulating is that she already wears camouflage bra and panties to garner the serviceman's vote. No Lesbian Card is anticipated since Clinton already looks plenty butch for that constituency.

Fans feel the sting of closing OTB outlets

As New York City plans to close its Off-Track Betting parlors, crusty old gents will have to find other worn-down, rat-infested locations to spend an afternoon making lousy decisions, cursing and losing what little money they scraped together from collecting aluminum cans.

"This is a major setback," said Artie Fuzzell, a 68-year-old retiree and 40-year veteran of ruinous handicapping. "Why should I spend my social security check on essentials like food and shelter when I can come here to escape my troubles for eight or nine hours?"

Warm-weather thoroughbred horse tracks like Santa Anita, Hollywood and Gulfstream parks have captured the charm and allure of The Sport of Kings. Beautiful people with money to burn emerge from limousines laughing and bejeweled, seeking a quick gambling high before returning to the rigors of squashing the masses for personal wealth-building and pleasure.

But OTB brought the sport to the little guy in the early 1970s. Instead of traveling to the racetracks by subway, bus or carjacking, bums, leeches and tipsters found it easier to waste earnings or savings at the handy, in-town shops. At first, many players said they were reluctant to forego the on-track experience of losing, but appreciated the state's concern for them by allowing legalized gambling to creep into their neighborhoods.

"I love the interaction of throwing beer at the jockey who just cost me the exacta by not whipping that son of a bitch hard enough," said Robert Houston, 64. "You miss that at the OTB parlor because all you've got are fuzzy TV monitors and no fence to run up to to get in his face, but I've learned to change with the times.

"Now I bring my wife or mother along and yell at them. It's brought us closer together."

OTB customers said that when the outlets close, they'll miss the parlor's rancid smells and unidentified liquids pooling on the floor, but not the do-gooders who stand near entrances and tell them to mend their ways.

"I'll spend my discretionary income as I see fit," said one aging dreg as he fumbled with two crumpled-up dollar bills. "Gambling has never been a problem for me."

Some of the gamblers dress as Englishmen, donning a vest, derby hat and monocle, and twirling a duck-head walking stick while waiting for the door of their fantasy world to swing open and whisk them to boxseats at Epsom.

"A man has to keep his dignity," one loser said. "But mainly, the walking stick helps me keep my balance so I won't slip and fall in that sewerage collecting by the betting windows. The soup kitchen won't serve you if you're covered in muck."

Many OTB customers said that even though the economy is going to hell, they favor President George W. Bush's rebate initiative.

"As soon as I get my $600, I'm going to invest in the Kentucky Derby," said an elderly wag, standing in a mound of torn AmTote tickets.

Punxsutawney Phil predicts wet conditions

While Groundhog Day has evolved into a fun diversion for news-starved media on a typically blah February 1, the real significance of Punxsutawney Phil's yearly appearance in the limelight is for old men who depend on the fat rodent to tell them when it'll be warm enough to resume urinating on their lawns.

"There's nothing like peeing in the great outdoors," said Clyde Lasting, 88. "Even if it's just your own front yard. "But six more weeks of winter. Man, I hate bundling up just to squeeze the pickle."

Dan Wooster has been arrested several times for public indecency as neighbors show the 89-year-old no mercy in lodging complaints with the New York City police.

"Back in the day, you could pee pretty much anywhere you wanted," Wooster said. "People would drive by and wave. It was no big deal. But now, folks don't have much tolerance for that.

"I fought in World War II, dammit, and I earned the right to pee in my yard if I please."

Ward Bevington, 75, said he likes going to the bathroom on a crowded subway platform, but women's high-pitched screams hurt his ears.

"I have to turn my hearing aid off so I can pee in peace," he said.

Tom Adamowski, 66, plans to move to south Florida so he can pee outdoors every day of the year, and neither temperatures nor clothing will be an issue.

"Hell, I'd pay extra to join a country club that allows you to wiz on the fairway, the putting green and the tee box," he said. "But in the swimming pool? That's free. Always has been, always will be."

White-outs cause confusion, dizziness

Denver guard Allen Iverson pleaded with Nuggets' fans to wear white to every home game from now on in hopes that their clothing will distract visiting teams enough so that he won't have to play defense.

Nuggets' officials were lukewarm to the suggestion, but issued a public statement that amounted to a shoulder shrug: "Yeah, what's the harm."

Iverson said that if the fans did their part, he could "rest up" on defense and launch more shots on offense. Iverson already takes off defensive possessions by standing courtside, talking to fans, and doing interviews and autograph sessions while his four teammates guard opponents. Then he sprints downcourt for snowbird layups to pad his numbers.

"If I'm going to win the scoring title, fans need to pick up the slack on the defensive end," Iverson reportedly said. "My contract's coming up for renewal and I need my stats. My new motto is: Less D, More 3."

Meanwhile, Golden State Warriors' coach Don Nelson was in full support of "white-outs," the latest fan craze that supposedly disorients visitors, yet somehow leaves home teams unaffected.

"We don't play defense anyway, so might as well give the fans some responsibility," Nelson said. "It's easier to blast them for not guarding the 3, or not getting back on defense quickly enough, than getting on my players, who already have so many concerns and obligations on and off the court.

"I mean, waving those stupid thunder sticks during free throws is nice, but we need them stop penetration because my team refuses to."

Psychologists have said that "white-outs" are a sad lesson in pointless group-think and do little to affect visiting teams. However, a small number of players have reported dizziness and loss of muscle control, although most of them play for the wretched Minnesota Timberwolves, which is understandable.

"Most players are not frightened, intimidated or distracted by the color white, particularly African-Americans," a noted psychologist said. "In fact, the opposite appears to be true. That's why so many white players get their shots blocked and blacks enjoy doing it so much."

Home decorators, however, tell a different story. They've concluded that, while white or beige goes with everything, it's a mind-numbing color and could cause visiting teams to commit more turnovers on the road than at home, where the color soothes them.

"If you really want to unnerve the opposition, make the fans wear plaid," decorator Cathy Henson said. "Or make everyone bring a crying baby and hold up signs reading, 'Where's my child support?'"

A secret memo circulating in NBA offices indicates a high level of concern about what is being termed "The White-Out Effect." Now, at least the teams start playing for real in the fourth period after three quarters of half-assing it. But if teams begin relying more and more on "white-outs" to discombobulate opponents, players won't feel compelled to turn it up a notch until the final two minutes, or worse, just on the last possession, provided the games are even close at that point.

"Fans keep talking about wanting to be part of the action, well now's their chance," said Iverson, who called the NBA "tyrannical" for asking superstars like himself to play defense for a full quarter.

In a related matter, congressional Democrats plan white-outs for every vote on funding the war in Iraq, hoping to confuse hawkish Republicans when it comes time for the roll call.

Castro resigns, plans to veg out

Fidel Castro resigned as president of Cuba on Tuesday, saying he wants to travel home and abroad while he's still not a vegetable.

Castro's younger brother Raul was tapped as his successor, taking the life-long n'er do well by surprise. Raul Castro said he's got a few ideas for a new Cuba, such as renaming it, "The Cuba Cabana."

Raul Castro, regarded by regime insiders as a hipster doofus, also plans to move the outfield fences in at Havana's El Producto Field, because even Communist chicks dig the longball, and schedule lighter late-night TV fare, such as Cuban Gladiators, the Real Peasant Housewives of Pinar del Rio and the comedic musings of Comrade Conan O'Gonzalez.

Fidel Castro made his retirement speech from the steps his Winnebago, then waved goodbye with his AAA triptik, which plotted his journey across the island to see the fruits of totalitarianism first-hand. He said nothing brings him greater happiness than to see the poverty and hopelessness in his subjects' eyes, or bounce young children on his knee while flies buzz around their filth.

"I'd also like to see some women box," Fidel Castro told friends. "Just can't beat it, other than hanging dissidents or lopping off their heads, of course.

"Dude, I'm gonna miss being dictator. It was a blast."

The former El Presidente said he plans to park next to Guantanamo Bay, hit golf balls at the fenceline lights, hoping to knock a few out and rattle the American soldiers' nerves.

Other retirement goals include partnering with Nike on a line of ready-to-wear peasant outfits, and volunteering at his pet project, the Defector Hotline, where families rat out each other's escape routes and are rewarded by extra stale bean and rice rations at Fidel's All-You-Can-Puke Buffet.

The aging lunatic said that even though he gave up power only hours ago, his aides were treating him differently already.

"I asked a flunky for a Heineken and was told, 'Get it yourself, fatso,'" Fidel Castro said. "I fear hard times a comin'."

Back in Havana, Raul Castro was busy trying to consolidate power and earn respect among officials who used to just roll their eyes when he spoke.

"While it's true I've been living off Fidel's name all my life, I'm not the knucklehead everyone portrays me as," said the younger Castro, ignoring his handlers' signals to wait until his microphone was turned on.

"My goal is to increase the amount of decadence in Cuba, otherwise we will be left behind in the world market. We cannot compete in the new millennium without cheap booze, Hollywood whores like Sharon Stone, reality TV, knock-off products, waste and fraud. Fidel was old-school. We need to get down with the fa-shizzle."

Raul Castro indicated that while his brother won't govern anymore, he'll remain in the political arena. He intends to give Hillary Clinton some advice about winning the remaining Democratic presidential primaries now that she trails challenger Barack Obama. He feels a kinship with her, according to Raul Castro, because their social agendas and power-grabbing styles are identical.

Cher shows her age

Part of Cher's face cracked and fell off during a press conference announcing that she will headline a Las Vegas show at Caesars Palace.

The aging songstress' face has been stretched ghoulishly taut over the years and such a fissure was bound to happen, although the timing couldn't have been worse, one of her handlers said.
Fans made the best of the predicament, however, as they scrambled for the hardened mico-pieces of face. Caesars officials estimated that there were hundreds of face shards. Security tried restoring order, but were overrun in the frenzy.

After the auditorium was cleared, the area was vacuumed, but engineers brought in from UNLV unanimously agreed that not enough of the pieces were recovered to re-assemble her, even with the latest advances in plastic surgery.

Her publicist Harry Speerman said the only alternative was to market her new show as "Cher: The Monster." Cher agreed that the show must go on, but when she broke out in song, her absent left cheek and upper lip made her signature pop hit "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" sound like "Gy-sees, Twams and Queens."

"Most of her other parts still work," Speerman said. "Our real fear is that she's bound so tightly from all the nip-tucking that she might spring a major leak on stage.

"Some nights, we may have to use a 'Cher: The Monster' body-double, but if people start demanding refunds, well, I don't even want to think about that."

One fan said she hopes she can sell a Cher face part she was lucky enough to scoop up during the melee, but may have a hard time authenticating it since it could be easily mistaken for fine-guage polyurethane tubing.

Speerman said "Cher: The Monster" may be teamed with "Sony Bono: The Cadaverous Second Banana" in a horror movie. Details are being worked out.

U.S. troops launch protective action

President George W. Bush reportedly signed an executive order to send troops to Dili, East Timor after gunmen wounded that country's president, Jose Ramos-Horta, however, U.S. government officials were red-faced in meekly admitting they didn't know the location of East Timor and had to Google it.

"Lots of us thought it was in Africa," a State Department intern said. "I was up all night with a magnifying glass and a map."

Officials said they hoped to at least spot Timor on the map, then look east of it, although a CIA chief said if it's below the equator, the search team should look west, not east because "everything's turned around down there." He said the process would be speeded up if they used an inverted map, or by using agents who read upside-down.

"Up is down and down is ... you catch my drift," said the CIA man, trying not to reveal too much as his years of specialized training taught him. "Just look, but look the other way. Got it?"

Troops assigned to the mission were ordered to pack for the long haul, although President Bush planned a victory speech even before they landed wherever the hell it was they were going.

"We don't know what we're doing, but we've got moxie," one U.S. Army captain said.

The State Department wasn't sure which branch of the service to send to quell the situation. One suggestion was to send some Chicago-based neo-Nazi headbangers as an advance team before committing the armed forces. Several rival neo-Nazi groups pleaded with their congressmen to put in a good word for them.

U.S. satellites orbiting the earth were unsuccessful in finding East Timor. Reports filtered in through back-sources that it's an island northwest of Australia, but several government insiders laughed that off, only later to confirm it was true.

"Finally, we got multiple Google hits that matched up, so now we feel good about knowing where to look," a White House aide said. "My Garmin nuvi has Dili's streets plotted, but it still can't tell us how to get to East Timor. Do you turn left at Japan or right? We may have to call our friends at Scotland Yard."

Heather Mills: Wants big ticket to ride

Heather Mills McCartney hopes to strike it rich in her divorce settlement with Sir Paul McCartney after the failed photographer and one-legged hoofer never quite measured up to First Lady status among the Beatles' women.

Mills ranks well down the list, in fact, coming in behind Yoko Ono, who, by comparison, may now be remembered fondly, even though Ono is credited with breaking up the historic band.

"Mills is a cannibal, trying to rake Sir Paul over the coals," one insider noted. "If she wants to be compensated according to the lifestyle she's been accustomed to, maybe Sir Paul should pay for a handsome cardboard box near the tube, which is pretty much how he found m'lady in the first place."

McCartney said he will do right and take financial care of their four-year-old daughter Beatrice, but Mills doesn't have a leg to stand on as she claims to be a devoted 24/7 mom to the tyke. Mills sped off to America for weeks to become a dancing farce on a wretched reality game show. Mills reportedly left the child at the airport with a couple of sandwiches and said, "Don't forget to watch mum on ABC."

Since Mills' return home, the emotionally scarred child has been afraid to come out from behind the couch, fearing that her mother's spinning dance moves in the living room might uncork the artificial leg, send it flying and bonk her on the head.

Mills said she needs a considerable amount of money to pay for the death threats she's been receiving, although people close to her said it's hard to have sympathy since she flirts with the callers and makes collages of the letters.

"She tries to answer every letter and set up a date," one of Mills' friends said. "She sends them an autographed picture and tells them she'd like to have dinner and go dancing.

"Personally, I think Heather likes the attention."

Writers return to hacking

TV and movie writers are thrilled about their new contract and eager to get back to penning sophomoric TV shows that Americans crave. Union chief Hop Russell said, "They're sick and tired of writing their kids' term papers."

While not walking the picket line, most writers did their kids' homework, but had to dumb it down to make it look like a 14-year-old's work. It's not unlike the jobs they do when writing for TV shows and the movie industry, knowing Americans won't get half the clever dialogue or references.

"As long as we stick with the simple fart joke, we know we're on safe ground with the viewers," said long-time Hollywood writer Bill O'Poole. "The hard part is layering one road-tested fart joke upon another to set up the big, room-clearing, payoff fart joke at the end. But that's why we ought to get paid the big bucks. Nobody knows the fart-joke industry better than the Writers Guild of America."

Writers said while they idled their time away, they produced the best-written to-do and grocery lists known to man.

"This will go down in history as the Golden Age of notes scribbled on a refrigerator greaseboard," Russell said.

Some, meanwhile, practiced their craft during dinnertime, spouting lightweight TV-show dialogue that they never got to write for characters, or delving into the possibility that Lily and Ted might've kissed in the "How I Met Your Mother" backstory. Writers' spouses and significant others have reported going mad when their mates bark at them to "exit stage left at the end of the dinner scene," or to turn away from them during conversations so both of their faces will be looking into the "camera."

The biggest hurdle in the post-strike months will be winning back viewers who became comfortable with watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "King of Queens" reruns.

"American has an insatiable desire to live in the past," producer Tad Ulrich said.

Viewers, however, may flock to the new shows since many claim they never actually read a book, learned to paint nor drew closer to their drug-using, gun-brandishing gangbanger wannabe teenage children as simple-minded pop psychologists predicted for the strike period.

"We thought they'd break out of their TV-watching fog and become less de-sensitized to life around them," psychologist Dr. Paul Carter said. "But it turns out most of them just sat and stared at a blank wall or test pattern, or called the NBC Help Hotline to inquire about the health and well-being of Law and Order's Jack McCoy.

"Americans are so off their orbit because of the strike, they may actually elect a black or woman as their next president. But when they're jarred back to reality after a full season of new shows, they're going to wonder why the hell they didn't vote for another seriously flawed, grumpy white guy."

Clemens heads off trouble

Carpenters and stonemasons worked furiously all night Tuesday and early Wednesday, knocking down walls and widening doorways to ensure that Roger Clemens' massive, steroid-filled head could fit in buildings on Capitol Hill.

The project was done quietly after business hours so as not to prejudice the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform during Clemens' testimony about his alleged steroid use. One official declared at 8 a.m. Wednesday that Capitol Hill "has now been Clemens-proofed."

The Cy Young winner moved effortlessly through hallways after the project's completion, although the tip of his right ear knocked a painting of truth-telling president George Washington off a wall. One minor snafu was reported in the men's room when Clemens couldn't fit his head between the commode partitions nor close its door.

A special high-back chair with steel-girder reinforcement was also constructed in the committee's chamber so that Clemens' head wouldn't flop, causing him to topple backward. Lawyers on either side of him held their breath, hoping his head wouldn't slip in their direction and crush them. And if Clemens' head crashed onto the table in front of him, his handlers were prepared to say he'd forgotten his reading glasses and was examining the fine print in court papers.

Fortunately for everyone in a 15-foot radius of Clemens, there were no mishaps.

Clemens maintained that he never used steroids or human growth hormones, although many in the room doubted him, and photographers had to use wide-angle lenses to capture his image.

Congressmen challenging Clemens' statements walked a fine in hopes of exposing him. They wanted to bait him into a steroid rage, but feared the consequences. Clemens' self-righteousness and temper could be a lethal combination, which was why the Army Corps of Engineers constructed a moat between Clemens and the committee members.

"You can never take enough precautions when it comes to a big-headed fastball pitcher," one Capitol Hill advisor said.

Meanwhile, one government official saw no reason to "McNamee-proof" the corridors of Capitol Hill since so many sleazy people already walk those halls.

"So what if there's one more?" he said, noting that the cost of coating floors and walls with anti-bacterials would be astronomical.

Brian McNamee was Clemens' personal trainer and claimed to inject the superstar with HGH, among other things.

Once the receipts for kickbacks and assorted payoffs are included, construction costs for the Clemens-proofing could be in the multi-millions. However, Macy's Department Store indicated it would pick up some of the costs as it partners with Major League Baseball to use Clemens in its famous Thanksgiving Day Parade.

"We don't need a balloon of his head," one Macy's employee said. "We'd have the real thing."

New Clinton campaign manager sacked

Hillary Clinton reportedly fired her newest campaign manager Maggie Williams after the candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination lost three more contests to Barack Obama on Tuesday. Williams had been at the post three days.

"Why couldn't she make me more appealing?" the New York senator said.

Williams was floored by the move, saying she barely had time to change the nameplate on her desk, shop for a new outfit befitting a campaign manager and lunch at the Russian Tea Room before being showed the door.

"Who needs Virginia, Maryland and DC anyway?" Williams said of the latest three Clinton setbacks. "I told her there were lots of good states left, and that we should go to Hawaii and campaign hard there for the next few months."

Hawaii's primary is next week.

"She needs to project a winning aura," Williams said. "If she's walking on the beach in a bikini, men are going to stare at her aura."

Clinton and Williams reportedly clashed on Williams' strategy to "go young" and court the male vote. Clinton thought she was doing that by voting with President George W. Bush for the Iraq war several years ago, but now is unsure which way the wind is blowing and, consequently, can't point her message in that direction.

Williams said she tried to soften her image and get Clinton on the front of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition but that the candidate refused to take off her trademark pantsuit, or the burlap sack and chainmail suit underneath it. SI editors were reportedly relieved no disrobing took place. They strongly suggested, however, that Williams check out Ms. Magazine, which was seeking a covergirl for its Man-Hating issue.

"Then she could loosen up and just be herself," one insider said. "When she stays on-message and flogs men, she's at her best."

Meanwhile, Obama, the popular Illinois congressman who is generating more crowds and money in recent weeks, has won eight straight nominating contests and is piling up superdelegates, those who are uncommitted to a certain candidate but can swing the nomination. Most of the superdelegates garnered to date said they could go either way, but, in the end, would be "highly influenced" by hookers or, at the very least, good, un-recylced porn.

Obama indicated he would "see to it that all needs are met."

Vick's Killa Face best in show

In an announcement that shocked -- shocked! I tell you -- the high-brow Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show audience on Tuesday, Michael Vick's pit bull Throckmorton's Romp Killa Face was named Best in Show, leaving Uno, the beagle who had originally been awarded the honor, to hang his head and grouse about a fix.

Vick's pooch had been mistakenly "overlooked" in the original judging, officials said nervously, but that he made a "convincing" case backstage when Vick pointed out the committee's error.

The enthusiastic crowd that filled Madison Square Garden was already heading out when FitzHugh Goggins III grabbed the microphone and announced the switch. Everyone gasped at the news, including Vick in mock surprise. So many champagne glasses were dropped that the sound echoed throughout lower Manhattan and sent streetwalkers waiting outside MSG for dates running for safety.

"When Mr. Vick made Killa Face bare his teeth for the judges, we knew he was a champion," said a trembling March Temple, Esq., at a hastily convened press conference in a barricaded broom closet. "I don't know how his entry forms could have been misplaced, but somebody will not have his parking validated over this horrible miscarriage of justice.

"Our apologies to Mr. Vick, his entourage, and to Killa Face and his entourage."

Vick brought 17 pit bulls to the event, hoping at least one would "get through to the judges," he said.

"The Westminster people were gracious enough to reverse their decision after they saw Killa Face up close," Vick said. "They did the right thing."

Vick said Killa Face's snarl and blood-stained teeth were tops in both categories.

It was unclear whether Vick and Company used the lost entry form ploy as a ruse, or if he simply showed up late and intimidated whitey.

"I was detained," he said about his sudden arrival and quick departure with the big trophy. Vick turned himself in last November to get a head start on serving a sentence for running a dog-fighting ring. As part of the Federal Penitentiary/NFL Cares program, Vick is allowed to leave jail periodically for endorsement appearances and "personal bidness."

Westminster officials said they will be sure to create a new category for vicious fighting dogs in the future.

As a treat for winning Best in Show, Vick fed Killa Face a toy poodle. Uno, meanwhile, cowered in a corner as Vick passed by.

"I'm eyeballing you, boy," Vick said, pointing to the dethroned champ.