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Barack Obama and Hillary Clinton detailed their "Put America Back to Work" initiatives on Wednesday, and both were surprisingly similar, but for one major exception.
Clinton's plan calls for companies to pay U.S. workers higher wages while encouraging the use of substandard materials to balance production costs. Meanwhile, Obama's plan will require companies to pay lower wages while letting employees get away with murder on the job, a perk many already enjoy, just without legal backing.
Both candidates for the Democratic presidential nomination agreed that America has to bring jobs back from overseas, and stop helping the world get economically stronger while bleeding the U.S. dry. They blamed President George W. Bush for the current malaise.
Clinton, a favorite of organized labor, said Americans deserve better-paying jobs "because, well, we're Americans." She said that if companies used inferior materials in products, the products would soon break, and that would generate more sales. One Wall Street investor said that "that's flawed thinking, but it just might work."
"It's win-win for the employees and the companies," said Clinton, smiling and waving to constituents. "Just not for the consumer."
Obama gave nod to his adversary's plan, calling it "a never-ending circle of corporate hustle and flow that could have a positive effective on the economy." But the charismatic Democratic challenger said his plan will be more cost-effective because it starts with an uneducated workforce, which America has in spades.
"Even though there are a million college students, many were handed passing grades, so their degrees are worthless," said Obama, firing up a crowd of supporters on hand for his announcement. "And a high school education is a joke because all they teach are How to Round off Numbers and the History of Slain Rap Artists."
Obama, the master of the catchy phrase, said high school should be called, "Every Child Left Behind."
"But that's OK, because a stupid worker will be thankful just to have a job, even one paying peanuts, as long as there are ample perks so that he can slough through the day," Obama said.
Obama's plan said laziness coupled with sloppy workmanship will be Job 1. The plan also includes incentives for companies that look the other way when incompetence is reported.
"I don't know any kid who wants to learn more and work harder," he said as the crowd responded with huzzahs. "A low-wage job means job security."
Highlights in Obama's "perk package" include being allowed to go on break as soon as a worker clocks in; free iTune earphones so an employee can bee-bop through the day and block out bosses giving orders, co-workers asking questions and customers complaining.
"We have enough distractions in our lives already, am I right?" Obama shouted.
Obama said employees won't just be permitted to come to work wearing ratty or revealing clothing, they'll be encouraged to. Service-industry workers will be allowed to talk back to customers, mock them without fear of disciplinary action from management, and either mumble responses or speak with food in their mouth. Employees will no longer have to go to restroom stalls for a quick nap in the middle of the day. His plan ensures that they can sleep at their work stations.
"And we're going to streamline incoming calls for businesses," Obama said. "Workers can disconnect callers rather than transfer them to the proper department. Just press that Easy Button, America."
Obama, borrowing a Chinese proverb, then twisting it to suite his message and passing it off as his own genius, said that "if you give a man a job, he'll eat for a day, but if you teach him a skill, he'll quit and collect unemployment."
Thursday, February 28, 2008
Tuesday, February 26, 2008
Joe Torre's pitch: Keep those pants on, fellas
Joe Torre, the frumpy Los Angeles Dodgers manager, reportedly will replace studly Michael Jordan as the new Hanes Underwear pitchman in its national TV ad campaign. Torre tested well among people who still bought underwear, such as the 65-and-over generation, and the newly sagging 35-to-45 crowd.
"I'm too old to go without underpants now," said Hollywood's Terry Adamowski, a 36-year-old accountant who can't get work because his junk keeps falling out of his khakis. "If you're 30, you can still pull it off, because in southern California it's hip and kinky. But when you start packing on a few pounds, if anything coyly slips out onto a spreadsheet, people are no longer amused. They call the cops."
Torre Shorts promise to keep everything in place with unforgiving straps, levers, belts and braces, and will hide a certain bulge, unlike Jordan's line that accentuated it. Reports show that men who purchased the Jordan-approved skivvies were dissatisfied with the product because it did not make them look like an NBA All-Star, give them the extra lift needed to dunk a basketball, improve their golf scores, or add the charm needed to attract ladies who are out of their league.
Hanes reportedly said the trend toward reality TV programming also played a part in its decision to drop Jordan.
"I hate to say it, but America looks like Joe Torre," a Hanes spokesman said.
Torre won four World Series with the New York Yankees, but was unloved in the front office because of his inability to win just seven more titles. Club owner George Steinbrenner, coincidentally, wore the underwear that Jordan pitched. It boosted his ego, even though insiders said that the waist had to be let out by a yard and a half while other areas of fabric had to be pinned up to compensate for his shortcomings.
Torre has found endorsement riches galore on the West Coast, where he has signed on to promote varicose vein cream, Halloween masks, Vick's Vapor Rub and Hair Sprigs for Men. And in a case of mistaken gender, Torre was selected as the centerfold for Bag Lady Magazine. The publication hit the newsstands and sold out in several locations before anyone realized the error.
Torre, whose sad sack features give consumers something to relate to, shrugged his shoulders upon seeing the magazine and, as usual, was too nice to complain.
"It even fooled me," Torre said. "I thought it was Margaret Thatcher."
"I'm too old to go without underpants now," said Hollywood's Terry Adamowski, a 36-year-old accountant who can't get work because his junk keeps falling out of his khakis. "If you're 30, you can still pull it off, because in southern California it's hip and kinky. But when you start packing on a few pounds, if anything coyly slips out onto a spreadsheet, people are no longer amused. They call the cops."
Torre Shorts promise to keep everything in place with unforgiving straps, levers, belts and braces, and will hide a certain bulge, unlike Jordan's line that accentuated it. Reports show that men who purchased the Jordan-approved skivvies were dissatisfied with the product because it did not make them look like an NBA All-Star, give them the extra lift needed to dunk a basketball, improve their golf scores, or add the charm needed to attract ladies who are out of their league.
Hanes reportedly said the trend toward reality TV programming also played a part in its decision to drop Jordan.
"I hate to say it, but America looks like Joe Torre," a Hanes spokesman said.
Torre won four World Series with the New York Yankees, but was unloved in the front office because of his inability to win just seven more titles. Club owner George Steinbrenner, coincidentally, wore the underwear that Jordan pitched. It boosted his ego, even though insiders said that the waist had to be let out by a yard and a half while other areas of fabric had to be pinned up to compensate for his shortcomings.
Torre has found endorsement riches galore on the West Coast, where he has signed on to promote varicose vein cream, Halloween masks, Vick's Vapor Rub and Hair Sprigs for Men. And in a case of mistaken gender, Torre was selected as the centerfold for Bag Lady Magazine. The publication hit the newsstands and sold out in several locations before anyone realized the error.
Torre, whose sad sack features give consumers something to relate to, shrugged his shoulders upon seeing the magazine and, as usual, was too nice to complain.
"It even fooled me," Torre said. "I thought it was Margaret Thatcher."
Monday, February 25, 2008
New US military force to get its smile on
Amid concerns of rising inflation in the oil-rich Middle East and the resulting strikes and demonstrations over the rise in food costs, President George W. Bush has decided to invade Iraq again, but this time with a new, feel-good army and a plan that has yet to be totally fleshed out.
The United States already has its traditional armed forces fighting in Iraq, as well as Halliburton's security force and crazy mercenaries on the loose, but as inflation unrest spreads across the region, the president sees it as the perfect opportunity to spread peace with "blood-thirsty Christian charity."
The new, soon-to-be-organized force will start out by quelling the disturbances in Iraq with kind words and pay-it-forward good deeds, "even though there is virtual calm already in place," Bush said. He said using guns will be the new army's last resort.
The president's top advisors suggested that the US pull its current forces out of Iraq to get some "good ink" worldwide, hold the troops in a secret hiding place for a couple of days, then re-invade. Bush shot down the idea, calling it "stupid" and a "waste of taxpayer dollars."
Bush said the current occupation force has its job to do while the new army will use softer tactics to appease liberals, even though the US has "made so many friends in Iraq already."
"Our troops really like it in Iraq," Bush said. "Re-enlistments have never been higher. In fact, some don't want to come home to loved ones. Instead, most are trying to move their families to the Middle East with hopes of retiring there.
"For a country that's been leveled and now experiencing Democracy for the first time, Iraq really has a lot of affordable housing. Just this morning I saw an ad for a charred bungalow that's within walking distance to bombed-out schools, hospitals, churches and shopping malls. That baby's gonna sell fast."
Bush said establishing a new military force will be the easy part. Naming it, though, will be tough.
"I want it to sound really cool," the commander-in-chief said. "Like Tomb Raiders, the Rambo Division, or the Go Ahead and Make My Day Corps."
Bush indicated that women will be encouraged to volunteer for Fox Force Five, borrowing the name of the female fighting unit referred to in the movie Pulp Fiction. He also noted that any new force will offer lax training procedures -- similar to those in Bill Murray's military spoof Stripes -- to appeal to a new generation of chronic whiners.
"But we need to get this project moving because we don't want to invade a country when the unrest is already over," Bush said. "That would lead to a lot of standing around and poking fun at the odd culture and peoples of a foreign land. The next thing you know, you're arresting people who claim to be innocent."
Bush said that while the new army's name will sound macho, its mission will be as "peace monger" and intends for its soldiers to use only "friendly fire" if required to shoot guns.
"As it's used now, the term 'friendly fire' has such a bad connotation," said Bush, referring to the act of soldiers killing their own people by accident. "We want to turn that frown upside-down."
Also, body counts will not be reported to reduce busywork and save on paper.
"We want to nip this unrest in the bud," Bush said. "If a soldier in the new army has to shoot someone, we want him to do it with a smile."
The United States already has its traditional armed forces fighting in Iraq, as well as Halliburton's security force and crazy mercenaries on the loose, but as inflation unrest spreads across the region, the president sees it as the perfect opportunity to spread peace with "blood-thirsty Christian charity."
The new, soon-to-be-organized force will start out by quelling the disturbances in Iraq with kind words and pay-it-forward good deeds, "even though there is virtual calm already in place," Bush said. He said using guns will be the new army's last resort.
The president's top advisors suggested that the US pull its current forces out of Iraq to get some "good ink" worldwide, hold the troops in a secret hiding place for a couple of days, then re-invade. Bush shot down the idea, calling it "stupid" and a "waste of taxpayer dollars."
Bush said the current occupation force has its job to do while the new army will use softer tactics to appease liberals, even though the US has "made so many friends in Iraq already."
"Our troops really like it in Iraq," Bush said. "Re-enlistments have never been higher. In fact, some don't want to come home to loved ones. Instead, most are trying to move their families to the Middle East with hopes of retiring there.
"For a country that's been leveled and now experiencing Democracy for the first time, Iraq really has a lot of affordable housing. Just this morning I saw an ad for a charred bungalow that's within walking distance to bombed-out schools, hospitals, churches and shopping malls. That baby's gonna sell fast."
Bush said establishing a new military force will be the easy part. Naming it, though, will be tough.
"I want it to sound really cool," the commander-in-chief said. "Like Tomb Raiders, the Rambo Division, or the Go Ahead and Make My Day Corps."
Bush indicated that women will be encouraged to volunteer for Fox Force Five, borrowing the name of the female fighting unit referred to in the movie Pulp Fiction. He also noted that any new force will offer lax training procedures -- similar to those in Bill Murray's military spoof Stripes -- to appeal to a new generation of chronic whiners.
"But we need to get this project moving because we don't want to invade a country when the unrest is already over," Bush said. "That would lead to a lot of standing around and poking fun at the odd culture and peoples of a foreign land. The next thing you know, you're arresting people who claim to be innocent."
Bush said that while the new army's name will sound macho, its mission will be as "peace monger" and intends for its soldiers to use only "friendly fire" if required to shoot guns.
"As it's used now, the term 'friendly fire' has such a bad connotation," said Bush, referring to the act of soldiers killing their own people by accident. "We want to turn that frown upside-down."
Also, body counts will not be reported to reduce busywork and save on paper.
"We want to nip this unrest in the bud," Bush said. "If a soldier in the new army has to shoot someone, we want him to do it with a smile."
Saturday, February 23, 2008
Zero visibility at stealth bomber crash site
A B-2 stealth bomber crashed in Guam on Friday as part of a United States Air Force project to determine just how undetectable the plane is.
Generals slapped each other on the back after initial reports of the downed aircraft confirmed that Guam natives did not see the plane fall from the sky, hear it crash, feel the ground shake upon impact or find debris. But the mood at command central darkened abruptly when the natives reported black smoke billowing in the sky.
"Invisible smoke," said one high-ranking officer adept at speaking without moving his lips and throwing his voice. "We've got to work on that. Get David Blaine on the hotline."
The Air Force said both B-2 pilots ejected safely from the aircraft, however, that was difficult to prove independently since they, too, landed quietly and apparently disappeared. Rescue teams, however, reportedly heard snickering from thick underbrush after an official used a bullhorn to recall workers and terminate the search.
As the U.S. Defense Department prepared to announce the news at a press conference, the press release itself vanished as did the spokesperson designated to inform the media, even though he claimed to be standing in full sight.
Several stealth bombers are old, becoming obsolete and will be phased out, one insider said. The government plans to sell them at silent auction.
Meanwhile, news apparently surfacing from the stealth industry seems to indicate -- although it couldn't be pinned down -- that technology has been pirated for use in other areas. That's one theory on Hillary Clinton's rapid disappearance from the Democratic presidential nomination race.
However, not all stealth materials are up to specs as attempts to cover Kirstie Alley's fat ass have been dreadfully unsuccessful. One industry mole said the super-calibrated thermoplatics and composites required for such a task have baffled the best and the brightest.
"And even if we do make a breakthrough, there's no technology currently available to disguise her BO," he said.
Elsewhere, the U.S. Treasury is expected to announce that all future income tax refunds will be paid in stealth dollars so taxpayers shouldn't waste time looking for them, but just "trust that the money is there somewhere."
Generals slapped each other on the back after initial reports of the downed aircraft confirmed that Guam natives did not see the plane fall from the sky, hear it crash, feel the ground shake upon impact or find debris. But the mood at command central darkened abruptly when the natives reported black smoke billowing in the sky.
"Invisible smoke," said one high-ranking officer adept at speaking without moving his lips and throwing his voice. "We've got to work on that. Get David Blaine on the hotline."
The Air Force said both B-2 pilots ejected safely from the aircraft, however, that was difficult to prove independently since they, too, landed quietly and apparently disappeared. Rescue teams, however, reportedly heard snickering from thick underbrush after an official used a bullhorn to recall workers and terminate the search.
As the U.S. Defense Department prepared to announce the news at a press conference, the press release itself vanished as did the spokesperson designated to inform the media, even though he claimed to be standing in full sight.
Several stealth bombers are old, becoming obsolete and will be phased out, one insider said. The government plans to sell them at silent auction.
Meanwhile, news apparently surfacing from the stealth industry seems to indicate -- although it couldn't be pinned down -- that technology has been pirated for use in other areas. That's one theory on Hillary Clinton's rapid disappearance from the Democratic presidential nomination race.
However, not all stealth materials are up to specs as attempts to cover Kirstie Alley's fat ass have been dreadfully unsuccessful. One industry mole said the super-calibrated thermoplatics and composites required for such a task have baffled the best and the brightest.
"And even if we do make a breakthrough, there's no technology currently available to disguise her BO," he said.
Elsewhere, the U.S. Treasury is expected to announce that all future income tax refunds will be paid in stealth dollars so taxpayers shouldn't waste time looking for them, but just "trust that the money is there somewhere."
Clinton's new strategy: She's black
As Barack Obama continues to pile up primary and caucus victories in the race for the Democratic presidential nomination, Hillary Rodham Clinton emerged on Saturday with a gold-capped tooth and claimed she was black.
"My people have suffered long enough," she said. "I ax ya'll to vote for me."
Clinton has already played the Crying Card going into the New Hampshire primary, where she got choked up and shed a few crocodile tears. Apparently that was enough to sway women and the undecideds into voting for her, temporarily halting Obama's juggernaut. The popular African-American challenger mesmerizes crowds with rhetoric and charisma, and Clinton insiders said they didn't know how to fight that except with a loony claim that Clinton was also black.
Critics said they expected some kind of Clinton stunt as losses mounted, but not the Race Card, at least not at this point in primary season.
Clinton bristled when a reporter doubted her black heritage.
"I think you should ask Mr. Obama about his heritage since he doesn't look that black to me," she said. "He looks tan."
To prove her blackness, Clinton said she tried to hail a cab and none stopped for her.
"They'll stop for any ol' peckerwood, but not a smart, black sista," Clinton said. "Whitey has it real good in this country, but that's going to change when I get in the White House."
Clinton's opponents didn't know what to make of this harebrained scheme, but were afraid to comment as the candidate's husband, former president Bill Clinton, was caged nearby, bearing his teeth and growling, about to play the Rottweiler Card.
A reporter asked if Ms. Clinton was completely black or just part black, but she declined to answer. Her strategists intimated she will hedge on that issue for the time being, just in case she needs to play the Mulatto Card.
"I have done dealt with racisms all my life," she said, fracturing the language just enough to give dimwit voters reasonable doubt about her race.
"Maybe she is black after all," said Homer Tate of Soggy Bottom, Ala. "Coulda fooled me."
Insiders also hinted at other cards Clinton has up her sleeve, such as the Fat Card, in which she will wear a latex fat suit to appeal to millions of obese Americans, and the Floozy Card, a last resort that she'd rather save for the presidential election, provided she wins her party's nomination. One aide said she'll strip off her trademark pantsuit at a press conference, revealing racy underwear, then don a short, clingy V-neck dress and high heels, and tart around the stage.
One rumor circulating is that she already wears camouflage bra and panties to garner the serviceman's vote. No Lesbian Card is anticipated since Clinton already looks plenty butch for that constituency.
"My people have suffered long enough," she said. "I ax ya'll to vote for me."
Clinton has already played the Crying Card going into the New Hampshire primary, where she got choked up and shed a few crocodile tears. Apparently that was enough to sway women and the undecideds into voting for her, temporarily halting Obama's juggernaut. The popular African-American challenger mesmerizes crowds with rhetoric and charisma, and Clinton insiders said they didn't know how to fight that except with a loony claim that Clinton was also black.
Critics said they expected some kind of Clinton stunt as losses mounted, but not the Race Card, at least not at this point in primary season.
Clinton bristled when a reporter doubted her black heritage.
"I think you should ask Mr. Obama about his heritage since he doesn't look that black to me," she said. "He looks tan."
To prove her blackness, Clinton said she tried to hail a cab and none stopped for her.
"They'll stop for any ol' peckerwood, but not a smart, black sista," Clinton said. "Whitey has it real good in this country, but that's going to change when I get in the White House."
Clinton's opponents didn't know what to make of this harebrained scheme, but were afraid to comment as the candidate's husband, former president Bill Clinton, was caged nearby, bearing his teeth and growling, about to play the Rottweiler Card.
A reporter asked if Ms. Clinton was completely black or just part black, but she declined to answer. Her strategists intimated she will hedge on that issue for the time being, just in case she needs to play the Mulatto Card.
"I have done dealt with racisms all my life," she said, fracturing the language just enough to give dimwit voters reasonable doubt about her race.
"Maybe she is black after all," said Homer Tate of Soggy Bottom, Ala. "Coulda fooled me."
Insiders also hinted at other cards Clinton has up her sleeve, such as the Fat Card, in which she will wear a latex fat suit to appeal to millions of obese Americans, and the Floozy Card, a last resort that she'd rather save for the presidential election, provided she wins her party's nomination. One aide said she'll strip off her trademark pantsuit at a press conference, revealing racy underwear, then don a short, clingy V-neck dress and high heels, and tart around the stage.
One rumor circulating is that she already wears camouflage bra and panties to garner the serviceman's vote. No Lesbian Card is anticipated since Clinton already looks plenty butch for that constituency.
Friday, February 22, 2008
Fans feel the sting of closing OTB outlets
As New York City plans to close its Off-Track Betting parlors, crusty old gents will have to find other worn-down, rat-infested locations to spend an afternoon making lousy decisions, cursing and losing what little money they scraped together from collecting aluminum cans.
"This is a major setback," said Artie Fuzzell, a 68-year-old retiree and 40-year veteran of ruinous handicapping. "Why should I spend my social security check on essentials like food and shelter when I can come here to escape my troubles for eight or nine hours?"
Warm-weather thoroughbred horse tracks like Santa Anita, Hollywood and Gulfstream parks have captured the charm and allure of The Sport of Kings. Beautiful people with money to burn emerge from limousines laughing and bejeweled, seeking a quick gambling high before returning to the rigors of squashing the masses for personal wealth-building and pleasure.
But OTB brought the sport to the little guy in the early 1970s. Instead of traveling to the racetracks by subway, bus or carjacking, bums, leeches and tipsters found it easier to waste earnings or savings at the handy, in-town shops. At first, many players said they were reluctant to forego the on-track experience of losing, but appreciated the state's concern for them by allowing legalized gambling to creep into their neighborhoods.
"I love the interaction of throwing beer at the jockey who just cost me the exacta by not whipping that son of a bitch hard enough," said Robert Houston, 64. "You miss that at the OTB parlor because all you've got are fuzzy TV monitors and no fence to run up to to get in his face, but I've learned to change with the times.
"Now I bring my wife or mother along and yell at them. It's brought us closer together."
OTB customers said that when the outlets close, they'll miss the parlor's rancid smells and unidentified liquids pooling on the floor, but not the do-gooders who stand near entrances and tell them to mend their ways.
"I'll spend my discretionary income as I see fit," said one aging dreg as he fumbled with two crumpled-up dollar bills. "Gambling has never been a problem for me."
Some of the gamblers dress as Englishmen, donning a vest, derby hat and monocle, and twirling a duck-head walking stick while waiting for the door of their fantasy world to swing open and whisk them to boxseats at Epsom.
"A man has to keep his dignity," one loser said. "But mainly, the walking stick helps me keep my balance so I won't slip and fall in that sewerage collecting by the betting windows. The soup kitchen won't serve you if you're covered in muck."
Many OTB customers said that even though the economy is going to hell, they favor President George W. Bush's rebate initiative.
"As soon as I get my $600, I'm going to invest in the Kentucky Derby," said an elderly wag, standing in a mound of torn AmTote tickets.
"This is a major setback," said Artie Fuzzell, a 68-year-old retiree and 40-year veteran of ruinous handicapping. "Why should I spend my social security check on essentials like food and shelter when I can come here to escape my troubles for eight or nine hours?"
Warm-weather thoroughbred horse tracks like Santa Anita, Hollywood and Gulfstream parks have captured the charm and allure of The Sport of Kings. Beautiful people with money to burn emerge from limousines laughing and bejeweled, seeking a quick gambling high before returning to the rigors of squashing the masses for personal wealth-building and pleasure.
But OTB brought the sport to the little guy in the early 1970s. Instead of traveling to the racetracks by subway, bus or carjacking, bums, leeches and tipsters found it easier to waste earnings or savings at the handy, in-town shops. At first, many players said they were reluctant to forego the on-track experience of losing, but appreciated the state's concern for them by allowing legalized gambling to creep into their neighborhoods.
"I love the interaction of throwing beer at the jockey who just cost me the exacta by not whipping that son of a bitch hard enough," said Robert Houston, 64. "You miss that at the OTB parlor because all you've got are fuzzy TV monitors and no fence to run up to to get in his face, but I've learned to change with the times.
"Now I bring my wife or mother along and yell at them. It's brought us closer together."
OTB customers said that when the outlets close, they'll miss the parlor's rancid smells and unidentified liquids pooling on the floor, but not the do-gooders who stand near entrances and tell them to mend their ways.
"I'll spend my discretionary income as I see fit," said one aging dreg as he fumbled with two crumpled-up dollar bills. "Gambling has never been a problem for me."
Some of the gamblers dress as Englishmen, donning a vest, derby hat and monocle, and twirling a duck-head walking stick while waiting for the door of their fantasy world to swing open and whisk them to boxseats at Epsom.
"A man has to keep his dignity," one loser said. "But mainly, the walking stick helps me keep my balance so I won't slip and fall in that sewerage collecting by the betting windows. The soup kitchen won't serve you if you're covered in muck."
Many OTB customers said that even though the economy is going to hell, they favor President George W. Bush's rebate initiative.
"As soon as I get my $600, I'm going to invest in the Kentucky Derby," said an elderly wag, standing in a mound of torn AmTote tickets.
Punxsutawney Phil predicts wet conditions
While Groundhog Day has evolved into a fun diversion for news-starved media on a typically blah February 1, the real significance of Punxsutawney Phil's yearly appearance in the limelight is for old men who depend on the fat rodent to tell them when it'll be warm enough to resume urinating on their lawns.
"There's nothing like peeing in the great outdoors," said Clyde Lasting, 88. "Even if it's just your own front yard. "But six more weeks of winter. Man, I hate bundling up just to squeeze the pickle."
Dan Wooster has been arrested several times for public indecency as neighbors show the 89-year-old no mercy in lodging complaints with the New York City police.
"Back in the day, you could pee pretty much anywhere you wanted," Wooster said. "People would drive by and wave. It was no big deal. But now, folks don't have much tolerance for that.
"I fought in World War II, dammit, and I earned the right to pee in my yard if I please."
Ward Bevington, 75, said he likes going to the bathroom on a crowded subway platform, but women's high-pitched screams hurt his ears.
"I have to turn my hearing aid off so I can pee in peace," he said.
Tom Adamowski, 66, plans to move to south Florida so he can pee outdoors every day of the year, and neither temperatures nor clothing will be an issue.
"Hell, I'd pay extra to join a country club that allows you to wiz on the fairway, the putting green and the tee box," he said. "But in the swimming pool? That's free. Always has been, always will be."
"There's nothing like peeing in the great outdoors," said Clyde Lasting, 88. "Even if it's just your own front yard. "But six more weeks of winter. Man, I hate bundling up just to squeeze the pickle."
Dan Wooster has been arrested several times for public indecency as neighbors show the 89-year-old no mercy in lodging complaints with the New York City police.
"Back in the day, you could pee pretty much anywhere you wanted," Wooster said. "People would drive by and wave. It was no big deal. But now, folks don't have much tolerance for that.
"I fought in World War II, dammit, and I earned the right to pee in my yard if I please."
Ward Bevington, 75, said he likes going to the bathroom on a crowded subway platform, but women's high-pitched screams hurt his ears.
"I have to turn my hearing aid off so I can pee in peace," he said.
Tom Adamowski, 66, plans to move to south Florida so he can pee outdoors every day of the year, and neither temperatures nor clothing will be an issue.
"Hell, I'd pay extra to join a country club that allows you to wiz on the fairway, the putting green and the tee box," he said. "But in the swimming pool? That's free. Always has been, always will be."
Thursday, February 21, 2008
White-outs cause confusion, dizziness
Denver guard Allen Iverson pleaded with Nuggets' fans to wear white to every home game from now on in hopes that their clothing will distract visiting teams enough so that he won't have to play defense.
Nuggets' officials were lukewarm to the suggestion, but issued a public statement that amounted to a shoulder shrug: "Yeah, what's the harm."
Iverson said that if the fans did their part, he could "rest up" on defense and launch more shots on offense. Iverson already takes off defensive possessions by standing courtside, talking to fans, and doing interviews and autograph sessions while his four teammates guard opponents. Then he sprints downcourt for snowbird layups to pad his numbers.
"If I'm going to win the scoring title, fans need to pick up the slack on the defensive end," Iverson reportedly said. "My contract's coming up for renewal and I need my stats. My new motto is: Less D, More 3."
Meanwhile, Golden State Warriors' coach Don Nelson was in full support of "white-outs," the latest fan craze that supposedly disorients visitors, yet somehow leaves home teams unaffected.
"We don't play defense anyway, so might as well give the fans some responsibility," Nelson said. "It's easier to blast them for not guarding the 3, or not getting back on defense quickly enough, than getting on my players, who already have so many concerns and obligations on and off the court.
"I mean, waving those stupid thunder sticks during free throws is nice, but we need them stop penetration because my team refuses to."
Psychologists have said that "white-outs" are a sad lesson in pointless group-think and do little to affect visiting teams. However, a small number of players have reported dizziness and loss of muscle control, although most of them play for the wretched Minnesota Timberwolves, which is understandable.
"Most players are not frightened, intimidated or distracted by the color white, particularly African-Americans," a noted psychologist said. "In fact, the opposite appears to be true. That's why so many white players get their shots blocked and blacks enjoy doing it so much."
Home decorators, however, tell a different story. They've concluded that, while white or beige goes with everything, it's a mind-numbing color and could cause visiting teams to commit more turnovers on the road than at home, where the color soothes them.
"If you really want to unnerve the opposition, make the fans wear plaid," decorator Cathy Henson said. "Or make everyone bring a crying baby and hold up signs reading, 'Where's my child support?'"
A secret memo circulating in NBA offices indicates a high level of concern about what is being termed "The White-Out Effect." Now, at least the teams start playing for real in the fourth period after three quarters of half-assing it. But if teams begin relying more and more on "white-outs" to discombobulate opponents, players won't feel compelled to turn it up a notch until the final two minutes, or worse, just on the last possession, provided the games are even close at that point.
"Fans keep talking about wanting to be part of the action, well now's their chance," said Iverson, who called the NBA "tyrannical" for asking superstars like himself to play defense for a full quarter.
In a related matter, congressional Democrats plan white-outs for every vote on funding the war in Iraq, hoping to confuse hawkish Republicans when it comes time for the roll call.
Nuggets' officials were lukewarm to the suggestion, but issued a public statement that amounted to a shoulder shrug: "Yeah, what's the harm."
Iverson said that if the fans did their part, he could "rest up" on defense and launch more shots on offense. Iverson already takes off defensive possessions by standing courtside, talking to fans, and doing interviews and autograph sessions while his four teammates guard opponents. Then he sprints downcourt for snowbird layups to pad his numbers.
"If I'm going to win the scoring title, fans need to pick up the slack on the defensive end," Iverson reportedly said. "My contract's coming up for renewal and I need my stats. My new motto is: Less D, More 3."
Meanwhile, Golden State Warriors' coach Don Nelson was in full support of "white-outs," the latest fan craze that supposedly disorients visitors, yet somehow leaves home teams unaffected.
"We don't play defense anyway, so might as well give the fans some responsibility," Nelson said. "It's easier to blast them for not guarding the 3, or not getting back on defense quickly enough, than getting on my players, who already have so many concerns and obligations on and off the court.
"I mean, waving those stupid thunder sticks during free throws is nice, but we need them stop penetration because my team refuses to."
Psychologists have said that "white-outs" are a sad lesson in pointless group-think and do little to affect visiting teams. However, a small number of players have reported dizziness and loss of muscle control, although most of them play for the wretched Minnesota Timberwolves, which is understandable.
"Most players are not frightened, intimidated or distracted by the color white, particularly African-Americans," a noted psychologist said. "In fact, the opposite appears to be true. That's why so many white players get their shots blocked and blacks enjoy doing it so much."
Home decorators, however, tell a different story. They've concluded that, while white or beige goes with everything, it's a mind-numbing color and could cause visiting teams to commit more turnovers on the road than at home, where the color soothes them.
"If you really want to unnerve the opposition, make the fans wear plaid," decorator Cathy Henson said. "Or make everyone bring a crying baby and hold up signs reading, 'Where's my child support?'"
A secret memo circulating in NBA offices indicates a high level of concern about what is being termed "The White-Out Effect." Now, at least the teams start playing for real in the fourth period after three quarters of half-assing it. But if teams begin relying more and more on "white-outs" to discombobulate opponents, players won't feel compelled to turn it up a notch until the final two minutes, or worse, just on the last possession, provided the games are even close at that point.
"Fans keep talking about wanting to be part of the action, well now's their chance," said Iverson, who called the NBA "tyrannical" for asking superstars like himself to play defense for a full quarter.
In a related matter, congressional Democrats plan white-outs for every vote on funding the war in Iraq, hoping to confuse hawkish Republicans when it comes time for the roll call.
Tuesday, February 19, 2008
Castro resigns, plans to veg out
Fidel Castro resigned as president of Cuba on Tuesday, saying he wants to travel home and abroad while he's still not a vegetable.
Castro's younger brother Raul was tapped as his successor, taking the life-long n'er do well by surprise. Raul Castro said he's got a few ideas for a new Cuba, such as renaming it, "The Cuba Cabana."
Raul Castro, regarded by regime insiders as a hipster doofus, also plans to move the outfield fences in at Havana's El Producto Field, because even Communist chicks dig the longball, and schedule lighter late-night TV fare, such as Cuban Gladiators, the Real Peasant Housewives of Pinar del Rio and the comedic musings of Comrade Conan O'Gonzalez.
Fidel Castro made his retirement speech from the steps his Winnebago, then waved goodbye with his AAA triptik, which plotted his journey across the island to see the fruits of totalitarianism first-hand. He said nothing brings him greater happiness than to see the poverty and hopelessness in his subjects' eyes, or bounce young children on his knee while flies buzz around their filth.
"I'd also like to see some women box," Fidel Castro told friends. "Just can't beat it, other than hanging dissidents or lopping off their heads, of course.
"Dude, I'm gonna miss being dictator. It was a blast."
The former El Presidente said he plans to park next to Guantanamo Bay, hit golf balls at the fenceline lights, hoping to knock a few out and rattle the American soldiers' nerves.
Other retirement goals include partnering with Nike on a line of ready-to-wear peasant outfits, and volunteering at his pet project, the Defector Hotline, where families rat out each other's escape routes and are rewarded by extra stale bean and rice rations at Fidel's All-You-Can-Puke Buffet.
The aging lunatic said that even though he gave up power only hours ago, his aides were treating him differently already.
"I asked a flunky for a Heineken and was told, 'Get it yourself, fatso,'" Fidel Castro said. "I fear hard times a comin'."
Back in Havana, Raul Castro was busy trying to consolidate power and earn respect among officials who used to just roll their eyes when he spoke.
"While it's true I've been living off Fidel's name all my life, I'm not the knucklehead everyone portrays me as," said the younger Castro, ignoring his handlers' signals to wait until his microphone was turned on.
"My goal is to increase the amount of decadence in Cuba, otherwise we will be left behind in the world market. We cannot compete in the new millennium without cheap booze, Hollywood whores like Sharon Stone, reality TV, knock-off products, waste and fraud. Fidel was old-school. We need to get down with the fa-shizzle."
Raul Castro indicated that while his brother won't govern anymore, he'll remain in the political arena. He intends to give Hillary Clinton some advice about winning the remaining Democratic presidential primaries now that she trails challenger Barack Obama. He feels a kinship with her, according to Raul Castro, because their social agendas and power-grabbing styles are identical.
Castro's younger brother Raul was tapped as his successor, taking the life-long n'er do well by surprise. Raul Castro said he's got a few ideas for a new Cuba, such as renaming it, "The Cuba Cabana."
Raul Castro, regarded by regime insiders as a hipster doofus, also plans to move the outfield fences in at Havana's El Producto Field, because even Communist chicks dig the longball, and schedule lighter late-night TV fare, such as Cuban Gladiators, the Real Peasant Housewives of Pinar del Rio and the comedic musings of Comrade Conan O'Gonzalez.
Fidel Castro made his retirement speech from the steps his Winnebago, then waved goodbye with his AAA triptik, which plotted his journey across the island to see the fruits of totalitarianism first-hand. He said nothing brings him greater happiness than to see the poverty and hopelessness in his subjects' eyes, or bounce young children on his knee while flies buzz around their filth.
"I'd also like to see some women box," Fidel Castro told friends. "Just can't beat it, other than hanging dissidents or lopping off their heads, of course.
"Dude, I'm gonna miss being dictator. It was a blast."
The former El Presidente said he plans to park next to Guantanamo Bay, hit golf balls at the fenceline lights, hoping to knock a few out and rattle the American soldiers' nerves.
Other retirement goals include partnering with Nike on a line of ready-to-wear peasant outfits, and volunteering at his pet project, the Defector Hotline, where families rat out each other's escape routes and are rewarded by extra stale bean and rice rations at Fidel's All-You-Can-Puke Buffet.
The aging lunatic said that even though he gave up power only hours ago, his aides were treating him differently already.
"I asked a flunky for a Heineken and was told, 'Get it yourself, fatso,'" Fidel Castro said. "I fear hard times a comin'."
Back in Havana, Raul Castro was busy trying to consolidate power and earn respect among officials who used to just roll their eyes when he spoke.
"While it's true I've been living off Fidel's name all my life, I'm not the knucklehead everyone portrays me as," said the younger Castro, ignoring his handlers' signals to wait until his microphone was turned on.
"My goal is to increase the amount of decadence in Cuba, otherwise we will be left behind in the world market. We cannot compete in the new millennium without cheap booze, Hollywood whores like Sharon Stone, reality TV, knock-off products, waste and fraud. Fidel was old-school. We need to get down with the fa-shizzle."
Raul Castro indicated that while his brother won't govern anymore, he'll remain in the political arena. He intends to give Hillary Clinton some advice about winning the remaining Democratic presidential primaries now that she trails challenger Barack Obama. He feels a kinship with her, according to Raul Castro, because their social agendas and power-grabbing styles are identical.
Friday, February 15, 2008
Cher shows her age
Part of Cher's face cracked and fell off during a press conference announcing that she will headline a Las Vegas show at Caesars Palace.
The aging songstress' face has been stretched ghoulishly taut over the years and such a fissure was bound to happen, although the timing couldn't have been worse, one of her handlers said.
Fans made the best of the predicament, however, as they scrambled for the hardened mico-pieces of face. Caesars officials estimated that there were hundreds of face shards. Security tried restoring order, but were overrun in the frenzy.
After the auditorium was cleared, the area was vacuumed, but engineers brought in from UNLV unanimously agreed that not enough of the pieces were recovered to re-assemble her, even with the latest advances in plastic surgery.
Her publicist Harry Speerman said the only alternative was to market her new show as "Cher: The Monster." Cher agreed that the show must go on, but when she broke out in song, her absent left cheek and upper lip made her signature pop hit "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" sound like "Gy-sees, Twams and Queens."
"Most of her other parts still work," Speerman said. "Our real fear is that she's bound so tightly from all the nip-tucking that she might spring a major leak on stage.
"Some nights, we may have to use a 'Cher: The Monster' body-double, but if people start demanding refunds, well, I don't even want to think about that."
One fan said she hopes she can sell a Cher face part she was lucky enough to scoop up during the melee, but may have a hard time authenticating it since it could be easily mistaken for fine-guage polyurethane tubing.
Speerman said "Cher: The Monster" may be teamed with "Sony Bono: The Cadaverous Second Banana" in a horror movie. Details are being worked out.
The aging songstress' face has been stretched ghoulishly taut over the years and such a fissure was bound to happen, although the timing couldn't have been worse, one of her handlers said.
Fans made the best of the predicament, however, as they scrambled for the hardened mico-pieces of face. Caesars officials estimated that there were hundreds of face shards. Security tried restoring order, but were overrun in the frenzy.
After the auditorium was cleared, the area was vacuumed, but engineers brought in from UNLV unanimously agreed that not enough of the pieces were recovered to re-assemble her, even with the latest advances in plastic surgery.
Her publicist Harry Speerman said the only alternative was to market her new show as "Cher: The Monster." Cher agreed that the show must go on, but when she broke out in song, her absent left cheek and upper lip made her signature pop hit "Gypsies, Tramps and Thieves" sound like "Gy-sees, Twams and Queens."
"Most of her other parts still work," Speerman said. "Our real fear is that she's bound so tightly from all the nip-tucking that she might spring a major leak on stage.
"Some nights, we may have to use a 'Cher: The Monster' body-double, but if people start demanding refunds, well, I don't even want to think about that."
One fan said she hopes she can sell a Cher face part she was lucky enough to scoop up during the melee, but may have a hard time authenticating it since it could be easily mistaken for fine-guage polyurethane tubing.
Speerman said "Cher: The Monster" may be teamed with "Sony Bono: The Cadaverous Second Banana" in a horror movie. Details are being worked out.
Thursday, February 14, 2008
U.S. troops launch protective action
President George W. Bush reportedly signed an executive order to send troops to Dili, East Timor after gunmen wounded that country's president, Jose Ramos-Horta, however, U.S. government officials were red-faced in meekly admitting they didn't know the location of East Timor and had to Google it.
"Lots of us thought it was in Africa," a State Department intern said. "I was up all night with a magnifying glass and a map."
Officials said they hoped to at least spot Timor on the map, then look east of it, although a CIA chief said if it's below the equator, the search team should look west, not east because "everything's turned around down there." He said the process would be speeded up if they used an inverted map, or by using agents who read upside-down.
"Up is down and down is ... you catch my drift," said the CIA man, trying not to reveal too much as his years of specialized training taught him. "Just look, but look the other way. Got it?"
Troops assigned to the mission were ordered to pack for the long haul, although President Bush planned a victory speech even before they landed wherever the hell it was they were going.
"We don't know what we're doing, but we've got moxie," one U.S. Army captain said.
The State Department wasn't sure which branch of the service to send to quell the situation. One suggestion was to send some Chicago-based neo-Nazi headbangers as an advance team before committing the armed forces. Several rival neo-Nazi groups pleaded with their congressmen to put in a good word for them.
U.S. satellites orbiting the earth were unsuccessful in finding East Timor. Reports filtered in through back-sources that it's an island northwest of Australia, but several government insiders laughed that off, only later to confirm it was true.
"Finally, we got multiple Google hits that matched up, so now we feel good about knowing where to look," a White House aide said. "My Garmin nuvi has Dili's streets plotted, but it still can't tell us how to get to East Timor. Do you turn left at Japan or right? We may have to call our friends at Scotland Yard."
"Lots of us thought it was in Africa," a State Department intern said. "I was up all night with a magnifying glass and a map."
Officials said they hoped to at least spot Timor on the map, then look east of it, although a CIA chief said if it's below the equator, the search team should look west, not east because "everything's turned around down there." He said the process would be speeded up if they used an inverted map, or by using agents who read upside-down.
"Up is down and down is ... you catch my drift," said the CIA man, trying not to reveal too much as his years of specialized training taught him. "Just look, but look the other way. Got it?"
Troops assigned to the mission were ordered to pack for the long haul, although President Bush planned a victory speech even before they landed wherever the hell it was they were going.
"We don't know what we're doing, but we've got moxie," one U.S. Army captain said.
The State Department wasn't sure which branch of the service to send to quell the situation. One suggestion was to send some Chicago-based neo-Nazi headbangers as an advance team before committing the armed forces. Several rival neo-Nazi groups pleaded with their congressmen to put in a good word for them.
U.S. satellites orbiting the earth were unsuccessful in finding East Timor. Reports filtered in through back-sources that it's an island northwest of Australia, but several government insiders laughed that off, only later to confirm it was true.
"Finally, we got multiple Google hits that matched up, so now we feel good about knowing where to look," a White House aide said. "My Garmin nuvi has Dili's streets plotted, but it still can't tell us how to get to East Timor. Do you turn left at Japan or right? We may have to call our friends at Scotland Yard."
Heather Mills: Wants big ticket to ride
Heather Mills McCartney hopes to strike it rich in her divorce settlement with Sir Paul McCartney after the failed photographer and one-legged hoofer never quite measured up to First Lady status among the Beatles' women.
Mills ranks well down the list, in fact, coming in behind Yoko Ono, who, by comparison, may now be remembered fondly, even though Ono is credited with breaking up the historic band.
"Mills is a cannibal, trying to rake Sir Paul over the coals," one insider noted. "If she wants to be compensated according to the lifestyle she's been accustomed to, maybe Sir Paul should pay for a handsome cardboard box near the tube, which is pretty much how he found m'lady in the first place."
McCartney said he will do right and take financial care of their four-year-old daughter Beatrice, but Mills doesn't have a leg to stand on as she claims to be a devoted 24/7 mom to the tyke. Mills sped off to America for weeks to become a dancing farce on a wretched reality game show. Mills reportedly left the child at the airport with a couple of sandwiches and said, "Don't forget to watch mum on ABC."
Since Mills' return home, the emotionally scarred child has been afraid to come out from behind the couch, fearing that her mother's spinning dance moves in the living room might uncork the artificial leg, send it flying and bonk her on the head.
Mills said she needs a considerable amount of money to pay for the death threats she's been receiving, although people close to her said it's hard to have sympathy since she flirts with the callers and makes collages of the letters.
"She tries to answer every letter and set up a date," one of Mills' friends said. "She sends them an autographed picture and tells them she'd like to have dinner and go dancing.
"Personally, I think Heather likes the attention."
Mills ranks well down the list, in fact, coming in behind Yoko Ono, who, by comparison, may now be remembered fondly, even though Ono is credited with breaking up the historic band.
"Mills is a cannibal, trying to rake Sir Paul over the coals," one insider noted. "If she wants to be compensated according to the lifestyle she's been accustomed to, maybe Sir Paul should pay for a handsome cardboard box near the tube, which is pretty much how he found m'lady in the first place."
McCartney said he will do right and take financial care of their four-year-old daughter Beatrice, but Mills doesn't have a leg to stand on as she claims to be a devoted 24/7 mom to the tyke. Mills sped off to America for weeks to become a dancing farce on a wretched reality game show. Mills reportedly left the child at the airport with a couple of sandwiches and said, "Don't forget to watch mum on ABC."
Since Mills' return home, the emotionally scarred child has been afraid to come out from behind the couch, fearing that her mother's spinning dance moves in the living room might uncork the artificial leg, send it flying and bonk her on the head.
Mills said she needs a considerable amount of money to pay for the death threats she's been receiving, although people close to her said it's hard to have sympathy since she flirts with the callers and makes collages of the letters.
"She tries to answer every letter and set up a date," one of Mills' friends said. "She sends them an autographed picture and tells them she'd like to have dinner and go dancing.
"Personally, I think Heather likes the attention."
Writers return to hacking
TV and movie writers are thrilled about their new contract and eager to get back to penning sophomoric TV shows that Americans crave. Union chief Hop Russell said, "They're sick and tired of writing their kids' term papers."
While not walking the picket line, most writers did their kids' homework, but had to dumb it down to make it look like a 14-year-old's work. It's not unlike the jobs they do when writing for TV shows and the movie industry, knowing Americans won't get half the clever dialogue or references.
"As long as we stick with the simple fart joke, we know we're on safe ground with the viewers," said long-time Hollywood writer Bill O'Poole. "The hard part is layering one road-tested fart joke upon another to set up the big, room-clearing, payoff fart joke at the end. But that's why we ought to get paid the big bucks. Nobody knows the fart-joke industry better than the Writers Guild of America."
Writers said while they idled their time away, they produced the best-written to-do and grocery lists known to man.
"This will go down in history as the Golden Age of notes scribbled on a refrigerator greaseboard," Russell said.
Some, meanwhile, practiced their craft during dinnertime, spouting lightweight TV-show dialogue that they never got to write for characters, or delving into the possibility that Lily and Ted might've kissed in the "How I Met Your Mother" backstory. Writers' spouses and significant others have reported going mad when their mates bark at them to "exit stage left at the end of the dinner scene," or to turn away from them during conversations so both of their faces will be looking into the "camera."
The biggest hurdle in the post-strike months will be winning back viewers who became comfortable with watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "King of Queens" reruns.
"American has an insatiable desire to live in the past," producer Tad Ulrich said.
Viewers, however, may flock to the new shows since many claim they never actually read a book, learned to paint nor drew closer to their drug-using, gun-brandishing gangbanger wannabe teenage children as simple-minded pop psychologists predicted for the strike period.
"We thought they'd break out of their TV-watching fog and become less de-sensitized to life around them," psychologist Dr. Paul Carter said. "But it turns out most of them just sat and stared at a blank wall or test pattern, or called the NBC Help Hotline to inquire about the health and well-being of Law and Order's Jack McCoy.
"Americans are so off their orbit because of the strike, they may actually elect a black or woman as their next president. But when they're jarred back to reality after a full season of new shows, they're going to wonder why the hell they didn't vote for another seriously flawed, grumpy white guy."
While not walking the picket line, most writers did their kids' homework, but had to dumb it down to make it look like a 14-year-old's work. It's not unlike the jobs they do when writing for TV shows and the movie industry, knowing Americans won't get half the clever dialogue or references.
"As long as we stick with the simple fart joke, we know we're on safe ground with the viewers," said long-time Hollywood writer Bill O'Poole. "The hard part is layering one road-tested fart joke upon another to set up the big, room-clearing, payoff fart joke at the end. But that's why we ought to get paid the big bucks. Nobody knows the fart-joke industry better than the Writers Guild of America."
Writers said while they idled their time away, they produced the best-written to-do and grocery lists known to man.
"This will go down in history as the Golden Age of notes scribbled on a refrigerator greaseboard," Russell said.
Some, meanwhile, practiced their craft during dinnertime, spouting lightweight TV-show dialogue that they never got to write for characters, or delving into the possibility that Lily and Ted might've kissed in the "How I Met Your Mother" backstory. Writers' spouses and significant others have reported going mad when their mates bark at them to "exit stage left at the end of the dinner scene," or to turn away from them during conversations so both of their faces will be looking into the "camera."
The biggest hurdle in the post-strike months will be winning back viewers who became comfortable with watching "Everybody Loves Raymond" and "King of Queens" reruns.
"American has an insatiable desire to live in the past," producer Tad Ulrich said.
Viewers, however, may flock to the new shows since many claim they never actually read a book, learned to paint nor drew closer to their drug-using, gun-brandishing gangbanger wannabe teenage children as simple-minded pop psychologists predicted for the strike period.
"We thought they'd break out of their TV-watching fog and become less de-sensitized to life around them," psychologist Dr. Paul Carter said. "But it turns out most of them just sat and stared at a blank wall or test pattern, or called the NBC Help Hotline to inquire about the health and well-being of Law and Order's Jack McCoy.
"Americans are so off their orbit because of the strike, they may actually elect a black or woman as their next president. But when they're jarred back to reality after a full season of new shows, they're going to wonder why the hell they didn't vote for another seriously flawed, grumpy white guy."
Clemens heads off trouble
Carpenters and stonemasons worked furiously all night Tuesday and early Wednesday, knocking down walls and widening doorways to ensure that Roger Clemens' massive, steroid-filled head could fit in buildings on Capitol Hill.
The project was done quietly after business hours so as not to prejudice the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform during Clemens' testimony about his alleged steroid use. One official declared at 8 a.m. Wednesday that Capitol Hill "has now been Clemens-proofed."
The Cy Young winner moved effortlessly through hallways after the project's completion, although the tip of his right ear knocked a painting of truth-telling president George Washington off a wall. One minor snafu was reported in the men's room when Clemens couldn't fit his head between the commode partitions nor close its door.
A special high-back chair with steel-girder reinforcement was also constructed in the committee's chamber so that Clemens' head wouldn't flop, causing him to topple backward. Lawyers on either side of him held their breath, hoping his head wouldn't slip in their direction and crush them. And if Clemens' head crashed onto the table in front of him, his handlers were prepared to say he'd forgotten his reading glasses and was examining the fine print in court papers.
Fortunately for everyone in a 15-foot radius of Clemens, there were no mishaps.
Clemens maintained that he never used steroids or human growth hormones, although many in the room doubted him, and photographers had to use wide-angle lenses to capture his image.
Congressmen challenging Clemens' statements walked a fine in hopes of exposing him. They wanted to bait him into a steroid rage, but feared the consequences. Clemens' self-righteousness and temper could be a lethal combination, which was why the Army Corps of Engineers constructed a moat between Clemens and the committee members.
"You can never take enough precautions when it comes to a big-headed fastball pitcher," one Capitol Hill advisor said.
Meanwhile, one government official saw no reason to "McNamee-proof" the corridors of Capitol Hill since so many sleazy people already walk those halls.
"So what if there's one more?" he said, noting that the cost of coating floors and walls with anti-bacterials would be astronomical.
Brian McNamee was Clemens' personal trainer and claimed to inject the superstar with HGH, among other things.
Once the receipts for kickbacks and assorted payoffs are included, construction costs for the Clemens-proofing could be in the multi-millions. However, Macy's Department Store indicated it would pick up some of the costs as it partners with Major League Baseball to use Clemens in its famous Thanksgiving Day Parade.
"We don't need a balloon of his head," one Macy's employee said. "We'd have the real thing."
The project was done quietly after business hours so as not to prejudice the House Committee on Oversight and Government Reform during Clemens' testimony about his alleged steroid use. One official declared at 8 a.m. Wednesday that Capitol Hill "has now been Clemens-proofed."
The Cy Young winner moved effortlessly through hallways after the project's completion, although the tip of his right ear knocked a painting of truth-telling president George Washington off a wall. One minor snafu was reported in the men's room when Clemens couldn't fit his head between the commode partitions nor close its door.
A special high-back chair with steel-girder reinforcement was also constructed in the committee's chamber so that Clemens' head wouldn't flop, causing him to topple backward. Lawyers on either side of him held their breath, hoping his head wouldn't slip in their direction and crush them. And if Clemens' head crashed onto the table in front of him, his handlers were prepared to say he'd forgotten his reading glasses and was examining the fine print in court papers.
Fortunately for everyone in a 15-foot radius of Clemens, there were no mishaps.
Clemens maintained that he never used steroids or human growth hormones, although many in the room doubted him, and photographers had to use wide-angle lenses to capture his image.
Congressmen challenging Clemens' statements walked a fine in hopes of exposing him. They wanted to bait him into a steroid rage, but feared the consequences. Clemens' self-righteousness and temper could be a lethal combination, which was why the Army Corps of Engineers constructed a moat between Clemens and the committee members.
"You can never take enough precautions when it comes to a big-headed fastball pitcher," one Capitol Hill advisor said.
Meanwhile, one government official saw no reason to "McNamee-proof" the corridors of Capitol Hill since so many sleazy people already walk those halls.
"So what if there's one more?" he said, noting that the cost of coating floors and walls with anti-bacterials would be astronomical.
Brian McNamee was Clemens' personal trainer and claimed to inject the superstar with HGH, among other things.
Once the receipts for kickbacks and assorted payoffs are included, construction costs for the Clemens-proofing could be in the multi-millions. However, Macy's Department Store indicated it would pick up some of the costs as it partners with Major League Baseball to use Clemens in its famous Thanksgiving Day Parade.
"We don't need a balloon of his head," one Macy's employee said. "We'd have the real thing."
New Clinton campaign manager sacked
Hillary Clinton reportedly fired her newest campaign manager Maggie Williams after the candidate for the Democratic presidential nomination lost three more contests to Barack Obama on Tuesday. Williams had been at the post three days.
"Why couldn't she make me more appealing?" the New York senator said.
Williams was floored by the move, saying she barely had time to change the nameplate on her desk, shop for a new outfit befitting a campaign manager and lunch at the Russian Tea Room before being showed the door.
"Who needs Virginia, Maryland and DC anyway?" Williams said of the latest three Clinton setbacks. "I told her there were lots of good states left, and that we should go to Hawaii and campaign hard there for the next few months."
Hawaii's primary is next week.
"She needs to project a winning aura," Williams said. "If she's walking on the beach in a bikini, men are going to stare at her aura."
Clinton and Williams reportedly clashed on Williams' strategy to "go young" and court the male vote. Clinton thought she was doing that by voting with President George W. Bush for the Iraq war several years ago, but now is unsure which way the wind is blowing and, consequently, can't point her message in that direction.
Williams said she tried to soften her image and get Clinton on the front of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition but that the candidate refused to take off her trademark pantsuit, or the burlap sack and chainmail suit underneath it. SI editors were reportedly relieved no disrobing took place. They strongly suggested, however, that Williams check out Ms. Magazine, which was seeking a covergirl for its Man-Hating issue.
"Then she could loosen up and just be herself," one insider said. "When she stays on-message and flogs men, she's at her best."
Meanwhile, Obama, the popular Illinois congressman who is generating more crowds and money in recent weeks, has won eight straight nominating contests and is piling up superdelegates, those who are uncommitted to a certain candidate but can swing the nomination. Most of the superdelegates garnered to date said they could go either way, but, in the end, would be "highly influenced" by hookers or, at the very least, good, un-recylced porn.
Obama indicated he would "see to it that all needs are met."
"Why couldn't she make me more appealing?" the New York senator said.
Williams was floored by the move, saying she barely had time to change the nameplate on her desk, shop for a new outfit befitting a campaign manager and lunch at the Russian Tea Room before being showed the door.
"Who needs Virginia, Maryland and DC anyway?" Williams said of the latest three Clinton setbacks. "I told her there were lots of good states left, and that we should go to Hawaii and campaign hard there for the next few months."
Hawaii's primary is next week.
"She needs to project a winning aura," Williams said. "If she's walking on the beach in a bikini, men are going to stare at her aura."
Clinton and Williams reportedly clashed on Williams' strategy to "go young" and court the male vote. Clinton thought she was doing that by voting with President George W. Bush for the Iraq war several years ago, but now is unsure which way the wind is blowing and, consequently, can't point her message in that direction.
Williams said she tried to soften her image and get Clinton on the front of the Sports Illustrated Swimsuit edition but that the candidate refused to take off her trademark pantsuit, or the burlap sack and chainmail suit underneath it. SI editors were reportedly relieved no disrobing took place. They strongly suggested, however, that Williams check out Ms. Magazine, which was seeking a covergirl for its Man-Hating issue.
"Then she could loosen up and just be herself," one insider said. "When she stays on-message and flogs men, she's at her best."
Meanwhile, Obama, the popular Illinois congressman who is generating more crowds and money in recent weeks, has won eight straight nominating contests and is piling up superdelegates, those who are uncommitted to a certain candidate but can swing the nomination. Most of the superdelegates garnered to date said they could go either way, but, in the end, would be "highly influenced" by hookers or, at the very least, good, un-recylced porn.
Obama indicated he would "see to it that all needs are met."
Wednesday, February 13, 2008
Vick's Killa Face best in show
In an announcement that shocked -- shocked! I tell you -- the high-brow Westminster Kennel Club Dog Show audience on Tuesday, Michael Vick's pit bull Throckmorton's Romp Killa Face was named Best in Show, leaving Uno, the beagle who had originally been awarded the honor, to hang his head and grouse about a fix.
Vick's pooch had been mistakenly "overlooked" in the original judging, officials said nervously, but that he made a "convincing" case backstage when Vick pointed out the committee's error.
The enthusiastic crowd that filled Madison Square Garden was already heading out when FitzHugh Goggins III grabbed the microphone and announced the switch. Everyone gasped at the news, including Vick in mock surprise. So many champagne glasses were dropped that the sound echoed throughout lower Manhattan and sent streetwalkers waiting outside MSG for dates running for safety.
"When Mr. Vick made Killa Face bare his teeth for the judges, we knew he was a champion," said a trembling March Temple, Esq., at a hastily convened press conference in a barricaded broom closet. "I don't know how his entry forms could have been misplaced, but somebody will not have his parking validated over this horrible miscarriage of justice.
"Our apologies to Mr. Vick, his entourage, and to Killa Face and his entourage."
Vick brought 17 pit bulls to the event, hoping at least one would "get through to the judges," he said.
"The Westminster people were gracious enough to reverse their decision after they saw Killa Face up close," Vick said. "They did the right thing."
Vick said Killa Face's snarl and blood-stained teeth were tops in both categories.
It was unclear whether Vick and Company used the lost entry form ploy as a ruse, or if he simply showed up late and intimidated whitey.
"I was detained," he said about his sudden arrival and quick departure with the big trophy. Vick turned himself in last November to get a head start on serving a sentence for running a dog-fighting ring. As part of the Federal Penitentiary/NFL Cares program, Vick is allowed to leave jail periodically for endorsement appearances and "personal bidness."
Westminster officials said they will be sure to create a new category for vicious fighting dogs in the future.
As a treat for winning Best in Show, Vick fed Killa Face a toy poodle. Uno, meanwhile, cowered in a corner as Vick passed by.
"I'm eyeballing you, boy," Vick said, pointing to the dethroned champ.
Vick's pooch had been mistakenly "overlooked" in the original judging, officials said nervously, but that he made a "convincing" case backstage when Vick pointed out the committee's error.
The enthusiastic crowd that filled Madison Square Garden was already heading out when FitzHugh Goggins III grabbed the microphone and announced the switch. Everyone gasped at the news, including Vick in mock surprise. So many champagne glasses were dropped that the sound echoed throughout lower Manhattan and sent streetwalkers waiting outside MSG for dates running for safety.
"When Mr. Vick made Killa Face bare his teeth for the judges, we knew he was a champion," said a trembling March Temple, Esq., at a hastily convened press conference in a barricaded broom closet. "I don't know how his entry forms could have been misplaced, but somebody will not have his parking validated over this horrible miscarriage of justice.
"Our apologies to Mr. Vick, his entourage, and to Killa Face and his entourage."
Vick brought 17 pit bulls to the event, hoping at least one would "get through to the judges," he said.
"The Westminster people were gracious enough to reverse their decision after they saw Killa Face up close," Vick said. "They did the right thing."
Vick said Killa Face's snarl and blood-stained teeth were tops in both categories.
It was unclear whether Vick and Company used the lost entry form ploy as a ruse, or if he simply showed up late and intimidated whitey.
"I was detained," he said about his sudden arrival and quick departure with the big trophy. Vick turned himself in last November to get a head start on serving a sentence for running a dog-fighting ring. As part of the Federal Penitentiary/NFL Cares program, Vick is allowed to leave jail periodically for endorsement appearances and "personal bidness."
Westminster officials said they will be sure to create a new category for vicious fighting dogs in the future.
As a treat for winning Best in Show, Vick fed Killa Face a toy poodle. Uno, meanwhile, cowered in a corner as Vick passed by.
"I'm eyeballing you, boy," Vick said, pointing to the dethroned champ.
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