Coach K refuses to lose

Duke University continued its quest for a fourth men's basketball national championship by advancing to the Final Four after getting crushed by UCLA 189-16 on Saturday. Duke will represent the West Region.

"The season isn't over until I say it's over," an adamant Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski said.

Duke's incredible postseason journey began when it defeated Belmont 71-70 in the NCAA Tournament opener, then fell to West Virginia 73-67, but Coach K was dissatisfied with that outcome and told the NCAA he wanted a do-over.

The NCAA rubber-stamped Krzyzewski's demand for a rematch. This time, though, it was to be played at Cameron Indoor Stadium, the Blue Devils' homecourt, at a time and date picked by the Duke coach. When an outraged and disbelieving West Virginia team didn't show up, Krzyzewski declared a forfeit, eliminating the Mountaineers from the tournament.

"The impertinence of some teams," Coach K said. "They're lucky I wanted a do-over in the first place. I could've disqualified them right after the game because I didn't like the way they celebrated.

"You know, not once did they genuflect in our direction and ask for our blessing."

Duke traveled to Phoenix for the next round last Thursday and was not immediately allowed to enter the US Airways Center by security, which had been expecting WVU. After a huffy Krzyzewski placed a couple of phone calls, NCAA president Myles Brand informed tournament officials that Duke would play Xavier.

A stunned basketball world watched as Xavier trounced Duke 137-5, only to see the Blue Devils advance to Saturday's game with UCLA.

"I thought the winner advanced," said dumbfounded Xavier coach James Whitford, who was yanked away from media members by NCAA officials.

Brand broke the bad news to Whitford and his team when an intern handed the coach a note that read, "The NCAA realizes that while you appeared to win the game on the scoreboard, you lost in the game of life. I regret to inform you that it is Duke's wish to keep on playing. Congratulations on a wonderful season. See you next year. Oh, and don't forget to patronize our NCAA corporate sponsors."

UCLA was horrified to learn after shredding Duke on Saturday that its ticket had not been punched for San Antonio, the site of the Final Four.

"What the hell's going on here?" an incredulous UCLA coach Ben Howland said before an NCAA-administered sedative took effect.

The college basketball world was stunned at the unprecedented turn of events, but threw up its hands in a "whadya-gonna-do" reaction. A bevy of Duke-grad sportscasters -- Jay Bilas, Mike Gminski, Jim Spanarkel and Seth Davis -- and Duke ass-kissers -- Dick Vitale, Billy Packer and Mike Patrick -- mentally waterboarded viewers with reasons that the Durham school was, indeed, the more-deserving team to advance.

Krzyzewski said he would not allow the season to end until he was certain an opponent beat Duke when the Blue Devils played to their potential, were sufficiently motivated by the Cameron Crazies' aren't-we-smart cheers, and got all the referees' calls.

"Anything short of that and I cannot, in good conscience, permit another team to advance," Coach K said. "Right now, I'm not convinced other teams are better than we are. Most are not even worthy to cast their eyes upon us, much less touch the hem of our garments."

Several NCAA officials said the matter was out of their hands, and even Brand was only doing what he was told to do by "sinister" forces inside ESPN and CBS, both Scientology-like cults smitten by The Duke Way.

"What's good for Duke is good for the country," one CBS exec said. "Duke is America's Team and Krzyzewski is America's Coach. What they say goes."

Meanwhile, the NCAA gave the OK to print banners, T-shirts and caps emblazoned with Duke as the national champion, in the event that no team impresses Coach K as much as his own.

"It's our title to lose," he said.

Dookies ask for, get do-over

Duke coach Mike Krzyzewski asked for and was granted a do-over by the NCAA after West Virginia defeated the Blue Devils 73-67 in the second round of the NCAA Tournament on Saturday.

The game has been rescheduled for Monday at Cameron Indoor Stadium at a time Krzyzewski will determine.

Coach K said his squad didn’t have enough time to prepare for West Virginia after Duke’s narrow win over Belmont in Thursday’s first round. He said the squad thought it got its one bad game out of its system against unknown Belmont, and told the Blue Devils to spend their off-day on Friday with a stripper or two.

But after losing to West Virginia, Krzyzewski decided the team wasn’t as prepared as it should’ve been and notified the NCAA. The NCAA huddled for about two minutes and rubber-stamped Krzyzewski’s request.

It said that Duke deserved another chance because the team was dealt a bad hand by the tournament’s selection committee when it sent the Blue Devils out of state for the first two rounds. Normally, Duke doesn’t have to play an early NCAA Tournament game more than 60 miles away from home.

The NCAA said sending Duke 256 miles up the road to Washington, D.C., was an oversight.

“We have to make the situation right,” an NCAA representative said. “After looking at all the facts, we believe replaying the game in Durham is only fair.

"I hope Duke forgives us.”

“Maybe you’ve heard of us,” Krzyzewski said during his press conference after the loss. “We play in the ACC, and we usually don’t have to face such lousy competition, but that’s what happens in the NCAAs. They’ll let teams like Belmont and West Virginia in.

“It’s so beneath us to have to play them, but the NCAA manned-up and rescheduled the game.”

Krzyzewski said he also was distressed at the number of fouls called in Saturday’s contest. WVU had 25 and was in early foul trouble. Duke had 23, several of which were called late in the game when the Blue Devils had to foul.

“It’s not like we’re playing eight against five, you know,” Krzyzewski said. “Our five plus two refs should be enough. All we ask is that the third ref be neutral.

“But the way they called the game today, I think there was some collusion. I saw at least 75 West Virginia fouls and, I’ll have to look at the film, but I don’t recall my guys committing one, even when I told them to foul.”

Krzyzewski said he usually meets with the referees before the game to determine how many fouls he wants called, but got a bad vibe from this officiating crew.

“I could tell they were going to call it our way, just not enough to really stick it to (WVU coach) Bob Huggins,” Coach K said. “I mean, my record is impeccable, and Bob’s record is, uh, well, let’s be kind and say Bob’s got some baggage.

“All I want to know is why didn’t we get more free throws when it was obvious our 3-point shooting was off? I smell a rat.”

Duke shot 32 foul shots to WVU's 22.

The NCAA said it’s embarrassed about the situation and promised never to send Duke out of state for the postseason again. An NCAA insider said the organization is considering legislation that will give Duke opponents two fouls on every one of its players to start the game, plus they must play wearing blindfolds.

“That should even things up a little,” Coach K said.

Clinton gets down and dirty

Hillary Clinton didn't want to have to go to Evansville, Indiana.

The Democratic presidential hopeful said she prayed she'd have enough of her party's delegates wrapped up by March 20 to guarantee her nomination, rather than having to visit "southern Indiana pig farmers, smile, shake their grimy hands, and act like I cared about them."

Clinton insiders said the former First Lady dreaded going to Evansville because it signaled her campaign was in deep trouble.

"Evansville's just the start," one campaign worker said. "I mean, Hillary is going to have to start sucking up to one voter at a time, which, for the life of her, she didn't want to do, despite what her fake smile tricks you into believing.

"The bad part is, there will be an endless stream of Evansvilles in the coming weeks."

Evansville was swept up in Hillary Fever this week as elementary school children hand-painted signs that read, "Create better jobs in other cities so our parents can get us the hell out of Evansville NOW!" and "We like your lies, not Obama's," also, "If you're elected, will we all have to wear pantsuits during your term?"

Meanwhile, the Masturbators Club of Southern Indiana grudgingly endorsed Ms. Clinton, saying it didn't have much choice since there weren't any other women candidates, although if she was pitted against Ms. Obama, Ms. Clinton "wouldn't carry a single precinct."

One club member suggested that Ms. Clinton at least show some leg or wear a tight, white blouse so his fellow self-abusers could get a little more excited about her. Giles Robertson, the club's past president, said that if Ms. Clinton was caught in a lesbian relationship with somebody hot, his organization would throw enthusiastic support her way.

Ms. Clinton said she's at the point in her campaign that she'll take MCoSI's suggestions under advisement. Also, she might allow Robertson to grope her if he'll assure her that he can deliver southern Indiana's lone super-delegate, who, coincidentally, is also a club member.

"Now do you see what I mean about Evansville?" she said to an aide. "It's a sign of things to come."

CIA breaks up Al Qaeda crew, project delayed

Al Qaeda has gotten too careless in its choice of projects and planning recently, which may account for the lack of terrorist activity here, the CIA reported on Wednesday.

Nothing illustrated that point better than when the once-feared terrorist network showed up at the Brooklyn Bridge this week with a 40-man work crew and six pieces of heavy earth-moving equipment to tear down New York City's famed connector between Brooklyn and lower Manhattan, only to be turned away on a technicality.

"They put up orange cones and 'Men at work' signs, the whole shebang," a CIA operative said. "But what tipped us off was that the men actually looked busy, not standing around collecting a paycheck, like you usually see in the city."

New Yorkers couldn't believe Al Qaeda's brazen return to these shores, despite tight security measures, eagle-eye law enforcement and a citizenry that gets huffy at any traffic delay. The CIA chided the organization as getting too big for its sarwals. The words "Al Qaeda" and its logo, splashed across the sides of the bulldozers and dump trucks, appeared to be hastily painted over to avoid detection.

By mid-morning, one police cruiser showed up and asked the crew's foreman for his work permits.

"All their paperwork was in order, but they hadn't kicked back money to the proper agencies like they were supposed to," the cop said. "I followed procedure and called for backup, and we worked with their flagmen to divert traffic until we sent them all home."

Thanks to a weak-kneed, left-leaning Democratic Congress, law enforcement's power has been gutted, leaving police with only the authority to break up the project. They could not arrest anyone, nor confiscate the heavy equipment or explosives. Al Qaeda was issued a citation, which is accompanied by a small fine.

The bridge dismantling is slated to continue once all the politicians are paid off.

The cop said the workers, all wearing snazzy Al Qaeda-issue overalls and protective gear, were displeased with the project, calling it "not aggressive or covert enough."

A couple of Iraqi men on the crew complained that the work was hard, and far from the "glorious mission" they signed up for at the Baghdad recruiting office.

"I thought I was going to blow myself up in one swift, painless moment," one Iraqi said. "For the record, this is bullshit. It looks like a two-year job, minimum."

The other Iraqi said, "We were misled. The cell leader said we'd get double-suicide points for this mission. Who wouldn't be enticed? That rockets you to the platinum-card membership level.

"Then I get here and they hand me a hard hat and pick-ax, and tell me to get busy. This one smartass crew chief said, 'There aren't any virgins in heaven waiting for slouches like you.' I mean, why the abuse?"

The CIA announced that while it enjoyed taking Al Qaeda down a peg or two, it was like shooting fish in a barrel.

"Looks like we'll have to do another black ops thing and pass it off as Al Qaeda's work," the CIA operative said. "Seems like we always have to show them how it's done."

Big Blue Monday follows Selection Show shutout

The General Accounting Office reported that millions of people called in sick on Monday after their teams failed to make the NCAA Division I Men's Basketball Tournament.

Most were inconsolable at the thought of being on the outside looking in at March Madness -- a three-week high of team spirit and gambling -- and couldn't bring themselves to sling hash, tote bales, make widgets or enter data with their usual verve. Many stayed at home and stared at the brackets for hours, hoping that their teams would magically appear. Others used magnifying glasses to scour the fine print in hopes that they'd overlooked their team.

"Will somebody please shoot me with a T-shirt canon?" one distraught fan cried.

CBS and ESPN switchboards were deluged with calls from Arizona State, Virginia Tech, Illinois State and Dayton fans, asking through sobs if the Selection Show was a prank and when the real show would be aired.

Hospitals and emergi-centers across the country said people showed up in zombie-like states, unable to comprehend even basic commands like "What is your name," and "Can you give me a high five."

One victim of Selection Sunday shutout lay in the fetal position in a Syracuse, N.Y., doorway and kept repeating that "the bracketologists were wrong. I cannot trust the bracketologists."

Several Ohio State fans said they appreciated Jay Bilas' bellyaching efforts, but that no amount of whining about Kentucky's inclusion in the tournament would compensate for the Buckeyes' misfortunes in 2008.

"Who the fuck cares about the NIT?" one Buckeye fan screamed.

Meanwhile, hordes of fans descended on their respective athletic departments dressed in pink, not to draw attention to breast cancer awareness, but to indicate that their coaches and ADs were sissies for not scheduling tougher non-conference opponents.

"I am in an RPI funk right now," a Mississippi fan said. "I don't even have the strength to fill out a bracket."

A dejected Nebraska fan said he was "so alone and forgotten. I can't even show my face around fans from other power conferences."

Meanwhile, a Florida fan said the good times were over in the Sunshine State and that it was time to fire Billy Donovan, who'd won the last two national championships.

"He won 21 games this year -- big fucking deal," the fan said. "But on the bright side, Millersville and Ouachita Baptist are still alive in my Division II bracket."

Ebony and Ivory miscast by Hollywood

Hollywood is misinformed about the number of white people who have blacks as best friends and should start portraying such relationships more realistically on TV and film, according to a report released by the National Alliance of Caucasians on Monday.

"Our research shows that four whites in America have black best friends, and one of them is blind, so you probably shouldn't count that one, but we included him just to show we're not racist," said Herve Montgomery, the Alliance's president. "But in every TV show and movie that comes out, the lead white character's bosom buddy is a black dude. On what planet does that happen?"

Montgomery said he would gladly share his research with the "Hollywood Propaganda Machine," but it's not listed in the phone book, and even if he could get a meeting, its members would either lose his scraps of paper or get them out of order and make the Fairview, Kansas-based organization look like a bunch of crackpots.

"Our numbers diverge wildly from Hollywood's," said Montgomery, as he rifled through several Motel 6 bedside notepads to locate his talking points. "Plus, they have an agenda. They're pushing racial harmony on viewers. That's not the America I know."

Montgomery said blacks are too cool to associate with whites, much less consider them their best friends. If anything, Hollywood producers come from a white point of view and foist their "best friendedness" on blacks, wishing it was so. Blacks, meanwhile, mock the make-believe film world that shows them as next-door neighbors who confide their inner-most thoughts and feelings with white people, meet socially at yacht clubs, laugh at white humor and vacation together.

"I'm not saying it couldn't or shouldn't happen, it just doesn't," Montgomery said. "In real life, there are no 'King of Queens,' in which right-wing oaf Doug Heffernan is best friends with Deacon Palmer. And if Stephanie was half as cool as she appears to be on 'My Boys,' she wouldn't be hanging with dorky PJ."

Montgomery said the only realistic show on TV is Everybody Loves Raymond "because while Ray interacts with blacks as part of his job, they are not part of his calling circle."

"And when Robert Barone started seeing his black cop partner socially, she laughed uproariously when it was misconstrued that they were dating, exposing him for the goofy white guy he is."

The Alliance's report also said that its research couldn't find a single close foursome that included a white, a black, an Asian and a gay, contrary to Hollywood's belief that every group has those components.

"Next, Hollywood will try to tell us that the Crips and the Aryan Brotherhood are best friends, too," Montgomery said.

Tripp-shot artist hoped for eagle

Tripp Isenhour was awarded a PGA Tour card after hitting a "one-in-a-million" golf shot that killed a protected hawk this week.

PGA officials were quoted as saying, "Great shot," and "Those damn birds have no respect for the game."

Isenhour was annoyed by the hawk's loud chirps that interrupted the filming of his instructional video. When the video hits the market, the shot will be included in promotional tags and listed as "cool stuff" in the DVD's bonus section.

"Too bad it was just a hawk and not an eagle," Isenhour said, trying to mix his knowledge of language with golf lingo.

Those outside the isolated world of pro golf were outraged by the incident. Bird-lovers, lovebirds, know-nothings and chronic complainers said a light fine and suspension of practice putting green privileges, Isenhour's likely punishment, would fall well short of what they deemed adequate. Many said he should be stoned to death, as in biblical times when golf etiquette was breached, or be forced to listen to several Celine Dion recordings, the harshest punishment currently employed at the Guantanamo Bay terrorist lockup.

The PGA said it would start the punishment process by issuing a written reprimand, probably with very strong language. However, one PGA insider said the organization's biggest ongoing concern was keeping another African-American like Tiger Woods from emerging and taking away so many endorsement opportunities.

"White players are very upset," one official said. "The hawk thing? Not so much."

The PGA reserves the right to issue a Tour card for "special cases," such as Casey Martin, who claims to have a disability and needs a cart, or be carried on horseback, to go from hole to hole rather than walk the course like his heroic counterparts laboriously do.

PGA officials said Isenhour's shot was like a "quadruple hole-in-one," and merited a one-year Tour card.

"Unless he does it again," an insider said. "Then it's good for life."

Isenhour is playing the Nationwide Tour this year, but has played two years on the PGA Tour. He lost his card both times, once after failing to finish in the top 125 money winners, and the other when leaving it in his pants pocket and having it shredded in the wash. He tried taping the pieces back together but was turned away by security guards at every Tour event thereafter, although he did pass it off once as a Fun Club membership card at Balloon World.

Touring pros responded to the incident by saying, "Get me my three-wood, boy," "Where's my limo driver," and "I'll have the Hawk Combo Meal with a Diet Coke."

Woods, meanwhile, sidestepped the issue, saying only that "I'm not a spokesman for the black community. Besides, I'm only part-black, so talk to Louis Farrakhan, Malcolm X, or one of 'those' people."

Golf announcer Pat Summerall said in a whisper that the improbable shot "looked to me like he got a birdie."

But the overriding sentiment in the golf community was, "Who is this guy?" and "Where can I get that video?"

Spielberg has deep impact on Darfur

Steven Spielberg brought the violence in western Darfur to a stunning end on Friday after the Hollywood film director resigned last month from his post as art director for the Bejing Olympics.

"I guess really showed them who's boss," Spielberg said. "The power of art know no bounds."

Sudanese government and rebel group officials said they laid down their arms as soon as news reached them through an Entertainment Tonight reporter. The correspondent had been covering George Clooney's facial expressions as the star of stage and screen traveled throughout the African nation to hold babies and sign autographs.

"This situation is not acceptable," a Sudanese Army officer said. "I do not want to be held responsible for inferior art design at the Bejing Olympics. Colors must not clash. Drawings must be Photoshopped with skill.

"Mr. Spielberg is the only Hollywood mogul I'd stop slaughtering innocent people for, unless, of course, he wants me to play a crazed killer in one of his movies."

China’s role as an arms supplier and oil patron of Sudan has brought international criticism from advocacy groups, which blame Beijing for protecting Khartoum’s interests. Spielberg was pegged to be the Olympics' art director, but never signed a contract and, in effect, quit a job he never had, further illustrating the power of his wallop.

Spielberg's announcement couldn't have come at a better time. Violence escalated recently as the Sudanese Army and its allies attacked rebel groups, causing a new wave of refugees flowing into neighboring Chad. Chad agreed to accept the refugees on the condition that Spielberg reconsider being the Olympics art director, which Spielberg said he is prepared to do, provided he gets Mia Farrow's blessing.

Farrow has referred to this fall's Games as the "Genocide Olympics." Insiders said that it was that comment that ultimately made Spielberg, who produced classics like "Pinky and the Brain" and "Freakazoid!," resign.

"All it means is more goddamn work for me," said Spielberg, who pushed his team slavishly to create "Genocide Olympics" logos, icons, music and action figures if the Olympic committee decided at the last minute to change the name to stay on the good side of Hollywood's intelligentsia. "I quit."

Americans more "appalled," "horrified" than before

The Pewter Institute's 2007 survey revealed on Thursday that Americans are more "appalled" and "horrified" now than they were a year ago.

The Pewter Institute measures the attitudes, moods and feelings of Americans through non-scientific evaluation and guesstimation, which it said are the core elements of new-age fact-finding.

"Our reports aren't just numbers-driven," Pewter Institute CEO Johns Murton said. "You have to hear what people say, even if they don't know what they're talking about and are prone to exaggeration. Sometimes we'll take things out of context if it's important enough, but only if we're pretty sure what a person means."

Murton said his organization has been surveying since 2001, the year it applied for a government grant as a lark, then got funded.

"We were shocked," Murton said. "But we were no different than a lot of people back then. 'Shock' was everywhere."

The Pewter report doesn't define what Americans are "appalled" or "horrified" about, just that they are.

"I like to think our researchers are good listeners," Murton said. "It really doesn't matter what the question is."

Murton said there's some data to suggest that people are "appalled" and "horrified" about the war in Iraq, the economy, crime, health care and dog vomit, or vomit not found in a proper receptacle.

"Nobody really knows, and it's not up to us to put too fine a point on it," he said. "Americans demand simplicity. We don't want to muddle things up by getting to the root cause."

The Pewter report also said more and more people "can't get their mind around" something, or are down to their "last nerve." However, people weren't as "dumbfounded" in 2007 as they were in 2006, when that reaction rose at near-unprecedented rates, second only to "deeply concerned," which gripped the nation in 2005.

Murton said more people would be "chagrined" or "disquieted," but they don't know what either word means and are "loathe" to use them for "fear" of acting "smart."

On the other side of the ledger, the Pewter Institute's survey reported that "awesome" and "amazing" had reached epidemic proportions, particularly in regard to last weekend's plans. However, many new acquaintances turned out to be significantly less "off the hook" after a second or third meeting, probably because both parties were sober again and back to the daily grind.

Economy tumbles, sportswriters take the fall

Rising gas prices and a tight economy have caused businesses to close or layoff workers, but the situation became even more dire on Tuesday when the nation's sportswriters realized that their travel budgets and expense allowances have been slashed, probably for good.

Baseball beat writers covering spring training in Florida and Arizona -- viewed by many media executives and readers as an all-expenses paid six-week vacation -- voiced their collective displeasure in a conference call in hopes that someone outside their tight-knit circle would care.

"We've got a real problem here," said Pete Torgeson, a veteran columnist for The Times. "Readers want to know their team's progress, hear the veterans' griping about two-hour busrides to take one lazy at-bat, and the status of every strained oblique. If my editors send me to just the final two weeks of spring training when the roster starts to finalize, how am I supposed to tan?

"Everybody knows you burn the first week in the sun, and you take off the second week to heal. If I'm here for the full six weeks, then you look refreshed and healthy when the season starts. You can't rush these things."

But many younger writers were more concerned about newspapers curtailing coast-to-coast travel and unreceipted expenses, as well as the alarming absence of freebies provided by teams, such as food, athletic gear and rounds of golf.

"That's why I got into this business," said Jeff Gahagan, a rising star among columnists whose recent work has tailed off since having to use his own money at strip clubs. "I can't afford a steady diet of lap dances and eight or nine watered-down drinks. I'll be broke in a couple of days."

Several big papers have announced they won't send multiple writers to major events like the Super Bowl, Masters, World Series, NBA Finals, Olympics and the college football national championship game, to name just a few, but will cut back to just one writer, and only then if the hometown team is involved.

"Great. No more stealing frequent-flyer miles from the company," one writer said. "I'm in the wrong profession."

College basketball writers have been feeling the pinch for several years, causing fear in the ranks that even darker days loomed.

"Go to one NCAA Tournament and you're hooked for life," one columnist said. "Free tote bags, T-shirts, ballcaps, meals, you name it. Oh, and front-row seats, too.

"Now, we're lucky if we get access to a media men's room so we don't have to wait in line to pee with the fans."

Horse racing writers have found their ranks dwindling, too, as thoroughbred racing has gone in the tank and editors opt to use wire-service stories over sending degenerate gamblers with limited writing skills on a six-week Triple Crown binge.

"I'm going to miss that fine Kentucky bourbon," one old hack said, remembering fondly many a Kentucky Derby Week pub crawl in Louisville.

In response, some correspondents have threatened to interview fewer sources, leave words out of sentences and shorten stories from a well-crafted 12 inches to a you-get-what-you-pay-for 10.

Writers from smaller papers have also noticed belt-tightening at the high-school level. Regional tournament hospitality suites no longer offer sandwiches, cookies and soda.

"Now, somebody might bring a half-eaten bag of chips from home," said Teddy Lawson of the Springfield Caller. "The day of the hot pizza slice is over."

Kid rescued on cue

Tri-state rescue teams waited nearly four hours for the Live at 6 News Team cruiser to arrive before pulling 4-year-old Autumn Yancy from a storm drain on Monday.

Rescue squads from area police and fire stations were under orders not to act until reporters were on the scene to highlight their life-saving efforts, and garner much-needed positive publicity in the wake of several recent foul-ups, particularly a multi-force raid on a grandmother's 90th birthday party two weeks ago that resulted in her stroking-out.

Officials said the child was "probably" not in serious danger after falling into the drain at about 3:30 p.m., although she was screaming at the top of her lungs. Fire chief Wex Middleberg said the cries were more "from fear than pain."

"It's times like this when years of training kicks in," Middleberg said. "Our expert opinion was that she was just scared from being in a dark, tight spot, so you turn a deaf ear and wait it out.

"Normally, the film crew is Johnny-on-the-spot, but it's a Monday and they're shorthanded. I totally understand. We've all got our problems."

The somewhat cute brunette followed a kitty into the storm drain near the Yancy's affordable housing in Backwater Township, then became lodged. Her help cries echoed throughout the drain, causing neighborhood residents to hide their stolen property and drugs before alerting 911, fearing random searches when law enforcement descended on the area.

"Truth be told, the storm drain was a lot less cramped than her family's dingy apartment," Middleberg said. "I hope she enjoyed it down there."

Middleberg said the rescuers sang the child songs and threw jerky treats in her direction in hopes of keeping her from going stark raving mad. However, it was crucial that she kept crying in order for Live at 6 News Team microphones to record the panic in her voice.

"You don't want to pull her out and have her smiling for the cameras," one longtime policeman said. "We've pretty much got this shit down to a science.

"The last thing you want is to rescue the kid before the media arrives, then rip her from her mother's arms, throw her back in the storm drain and re-enact the scene. That'll get you sued."

Middleberg said the rescue teams caught a break because Yancy's parents are estranged and the mother, who was supposed to watch the child, was passed out in front of the TV. The father could not be located.

"That gave us a couple extra hours to play with," Middleberg said.

When the Live at 6 News Team cruiser showed up around 7:15 p.m., the rescue went on without a hitch.

"I think we scored some public-relations points today," a police spokesman said. "It was a team effort. We didn't rush in to save little Autumn until everything was in place. The child is safe and back home. Her mother never even knew she was gone."

Area police officials said they would've preferred to delay the rescue even longer and show off the department's new klieg lighting system, but Live at 6 News Team news director Prince Cooper said the unit needed to leave to cover a tap-dancing panda bear, and couldn't wait for total darkness.

"Oh, well," one policeman said. "You win some, you lose some."

Cooper said his station is glad to cooperate with police and fire departments in such dramatic situations, and hopes for a bump in its ratings and audience.

"Glad this story happened, because up until then, it was a pretty slow news day," Cooper said. "And lucky for the kid that we weren't off covering a basketball game, or she might still be in that drain waiting for the next news cycle to run."

Bin Laden to endorse Hillary

Osama Bin Laden is expected to endorse Hillary Rodham Clinton as the Democratic presidential candidate today. The world's chief terrorist is rumored to favor Clinton because "she'll terrorize America in ways I never thought of."

The endorsement could be the quirky Bin Laden's most-heinous act yet. He is said to have orchestrated the September 11 suicide missions, then eluded capture for almost seven years by ducking into his network of hideouts that include Afghanistan caves and shotgun houses in forgotten, post-Katrina New Orleans that law enforcement has abandoned.

Bin Laden insiders have said for months that he's been looking to make a final splash before retiring to Miami Beach. Al Qaeda's power has been weakened and losing focus for some time now. Most of its operatives in the United States have lost interest in suicide bombings and concentrate on "annoyances" rather than look for trouble.

"Look, I'm a single dad," Musha Smith-Muhammad said. "I've got two jobs, I'm taking a yoga class, I cook, I clean, the kids are screaming. I would like nothing better than to blow myself up, but who's got time to build a bomb?

"I'm doing well to kick over a garbage can so pedestrians have to hold their nose and walk around it. Leave me alone already, OK?"

When traffic lights go out, potholes develop or long lines form, Al Qaeda's public relations firm, Janzen Brothers of New York, is quick to say its client is responsible.

"We get kind of tired trumpeting these minor successes, but it is what it is," a Janzen Brothers spokesman said. "Al Qaeda's lost its steam, so we've given the account to a junior partner. Maybe the Clinton endorsement will get Bin Laden some much-needed press."

Bin Laden is said to have considered throwing his terrorist heft behind Barack Obama, who some claim is a Muslim. But Obama is gaining popularity among middle Americans and, should he be elected in November, could be a more-difficult adversary for Bin Laden. However, Clinton is the third-most despised figure in America behind George W. Bush and Bin Laden, and Bin Laden's tangy endorsement would be like passing the baton to a teammate.

Bin Laden said he hopes his announcement will affect Tuesday's primaries in Texas and Ohio, however, political wonks say his endorsement is coming much too late in the process. Now, he appears out of touch and senile, and ignorant of American politics.

"Besides, the guy needs a make-over," the Janzen Brothers spokesman said. "He's taken that robe and turban thing as far as it'll go. It's time to introduce him to Perry Ellis, a 'do rag and a pair of sunglasses. Then he'll get some bang for his buck."