American Airlines downsizing fleet, upsizing fear

As American Airlines canceled more than 1,000 flights this week to inspect wiring on its jets, the company made good on its pledge to disrupt passengers' schedules as little as possible by contracting with thousands of owners of single-engine planes and crop-dusters to pick up the slack.

An American Airlines spokesman said that the substitute fleet will carry fewer people at a time, however, more planes will be in the air to deliver passengers to their destinations "within a week or two of their original arrival dates, hopefully."

The spokesman said that the public shouldn't worry when the skies become dark from so many more planes in the air. Sunlight is over-rated, he said.

"We know the airways are already congested, but smaller planes have more maneuverability and shouldn't hit one another, unless, of course, two pilots play 'chicken,' then we've got a problem," said AA official Ronald Tuffts. "But -- and I can't emphasize this enough -- it'll be a small problem, given the size of the planes involved."

One AA vice-president said that passengers would get more one-on-one attention on the smaller planes, something, he regrets, that the jumbo jets lack, no matter what their ad campaigns say.

"But if you're one of those lunatics who obsesses about legroom, in-flight food, restrooms and safety, well, maybe you should look into another form of transportation," Tuffts said. "It seems there won't be any pleasing the likes of you under any circumstances."

Tuffts said the planes will fly closer to the ground, making sight-seeing better and crash landings less traumatic, since the aircraft will not plummet from the sky from 30,000 feet or more, the height at which bigger body planes typically cruise, and trapping passengers in their personal hell for what seems like an eternity of screaming, imagining their fate, and/or wishing they'd gotten rid of their porn stash.

"We're bringing back tree-top flying," an AA source said. "At long last, when you leave a loved one at the airport, you'll be able to see the tears rolling down their cheeks for a good long while. These are true Hallmark moments."

AA said it anticipated a pilot shortfall with the additional flights and hired eager Saudi Arabian, Iranian and Iraqis to cope with the situation. Tuffts said that some of those pilots possessed merely flight-simulator experience from Minnesota and Florida training facilities, but that "should be adequate for smaller planes on shorter routes."

If AA incurs any pilot problems, Tuffts said the carrier would "reluctantly resort" to using teen-age video gamers who have logged at least 100 hours of joy-stick experience.

"We expect some backups and flier complaints, but that's nothing new," an AA insider said. "We've turned a deaf ear to that shit many moons ago."

Big Oil to drill between sofa cushions

As Big Oil representatives were being grilled on Capitol Hill about their massive profits of $40 billion last year, the spokesmen successfully turned the microscope on consumers, saying that Joe Average has way too much disposable income and the companies want their rightful share, plus gratuity.

Big Oil said it knows that there are several pennies, a nickel and two quarters between families' sofa cushions and "would you please kindly send it to them as soon as possible," a spokesman said.

If everyone did that, Big Oil could rake in even more billions to continue its no-end-in-sight research for making combustible, fossil fuels more efficient and exploring government-protected animal sanctuaries and pristine land masses for untapped oilfields. If any money is left over, the companies promised to use it on feel-good ad campaigns that let consumers know how tough it is being Big Oil, and awash in all that money.

"All those nickels and dimes add up to big money if everyone will just get off his high horse and do this for us," a Big Oil insider said. "Do you want to travel? Do you want a warm home? Do you want petroleum jelly? Then send us that loose change because it's obvious you're not using it. Just dig your hand into the nether region between the cushions, suppress your gag reflex for a minute when you touch a snotty Kleenex and pull out those meager riches that you haven't missed for what, like two years?

"Make out a check or money order to us. But, hey, while you're up, why not just round it off to $20. Everybody's got a twenty lying around. We know you spend $20 on baby shower gifts, graduation gifts and gag gifts for people you barely know. Give Big Oil that money and it'll go to work for you. Trust us, it's not going to end up in a garage sale like those stupid gifts you bought.

"That way, we don't have to touch our profits. Because if we have to dip into our profits, we're going to get very, very angry. And who will we take it out on? That's right. You. It'll mean higher prices at the fuel pumps. And from what we're hearing, no one wants that. So c'mon, do your part and chip in. We're your friends."

On their way out of the hearings, Big Oil representatives handed out leaflets reading, "Big Oil: Coming soon to one of those damn rain forests near you."